The Digital Life of Michelle Evans | Business, Family, Faith & Fulfillment

You may have already heard by now, if we’re friends or if you follow me on Twitter, that my husband Dave was killed in a motorcycle accident last Saturday, March 6th, in Pitt Meadows. He was just 36 years old.

I have been overwhelmed by the love and support I’ve received from thousands of people – friends, family, my church, my colleagues, the Vancouver social media community, the ladies in the Just Mommies January 2010 Playroom and friends of friends who have started prayer chains for me at their churches. I have received daily meals, financial contributions, countless offers for babysitting, house cleaning, company and I literally have thousands of people praying for me and my two boys. I can’t thank you all enough for your kindness and support at this incredibly difficult time.

Please join me to celebrate Dave’s life
at 1pm on Wednesday, March 17th
at Lynn Valley Full Gospel Church.

(Edit: Please park across the street in the mall parking)

Dave had a bigger heart than anyone I’ve ever met. He was twice the parent I’ll ever be, an amazing husband, a loving son and brother and a loyal friend to many. He touched the lives of so many people in his short life. We both knew God was planning something big but we just never would have imagined what. I trust wholeheartedly that he is at home with the Lord, he is healed and every question has been answered. It was a beautiful day, he was doing what he loved and he went quickly without pain. I count it a blessing.

Dave Evans: September 10, 1973 – March 6, 2010.

I love you forever

Photo: Metro Theatre

Today I dedicate this post to my dad.

Growing up, my dad was the kind of dad who would do anything for his kids. I know he did many, MANY things he didn’t want to do and I know he worried more about me and my brother than he perhaps had to… because he loved us with a heart of gold.

My dad coached my brother’s soccer team for as long as I can remember and always made it to my games too. My dad encouraged me to sing when I was just tiny… long before my shyness or stage fright ever kicked in. My dad waited up night after night during my teen years even when he was the kind of person who would rather get up and start his day at 3am than end his day at 2am. My dad encouraged me to join the military; my dad taught me I can do anything I want to do with enough effort and dedication.

My dad took me skiing even though he wasn’t very good at it. My dad tried to convince me once there was a pancake day, but shhhh… don’t tell mom. My dad always had the stuff I decided I needed to do whatever build-it/fix-it/craft project I tried… he had a million tools. Not sure he even ever used any of them, but whatever… My dad took me on a moped when we were on our summer vacation and spent $1000 on an early VHS machine. My dad always seemed to know what to do when the car would break down at the side of the road… he probably just called AAA.

My dad used to teach school children. On my professional days sometimes he’d bring me to work with him… I loved it! I felt like a celebrity because I got to go in the staff room with the other teachers. My dad joined a band and decided he wanted to learn to play the tenor sax while I was learning to play the trumpet. Sometimes he would take me to sit in at his adult beginner band. At my own band concerts, my dad was the guy you could hear wolf-whistle at the end of every song… he still does.

My dad taught me some very valuable lessons including encouraging me to establish a career before settling down, getting married and having kids (in that order). My dad used to work really hard… I remember report card time. Any kid of a teacher knows about report card time… days and days of late nights and early mornings. I know he put his heart into knowing every one of his students. That’s just the kind of teacher he was. I remember waking up to his records… classical or jazz… my dad adores music.

My dad is 75 years old today.

He and my mom travel pretty extensively now – a few months every year. He also is an active member of his community and has become very involved in community theatre. In fact, he’s in a play called A Nice Family Gathering opening today at Metro Theatre Vancouver – he’s such a good actor I keep telling him he should get an agent and try for movie roles, but that’s probably more my dream for him than his… I’m so proud of him for filling his golden years with rich friendships, arts and the world. I’m so proud of him and my mom for being married to each other for nearly 50 years. I’m so proud of him for always thinking of me and my brother… and for choosing us.

Happy Birthday Dad. I love you.

I hope one day you’ll find the time or the inclination to write down all your wisdom to share with me… you know I missed most of it.

Can we talk about life with a new baby for a moment? I’m about to overshare in a really big way here…

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head. So many things I think about and so many things I want to share with other moms… new moms. Things people never shared with me when I first became a mom… probably because they were too afraid to be labeled. I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve here because I think if this information makes just one new mom feel less alone, it’s worth it.

This post isn’t going to make a lot of sense… I know it’s not written well and I won’t share all the gory details – that would take a whole book, but I will just say I suffered with awful postpartum depression after my first son was born. I haven’t mentioned it much publicly because I have been waiting on the edge of my seat to see if I was going to suffer the same affliction this time around.

Pregnancy & Labour

The first weeks with mini-man were rough. My pregnancy had not been without challenges: I had gestational diabetes, terrible swelling and carpal tunnel syndrome, gained 70 lbs and had high blood pressure at the end. Then I had a difficult birth experience – an induction at 41 weeks that resulted in 30 hours of labour followed by 3 hours of pushing with no results and then a c-section. I’d been awake for 2 days, hadn’t eaten in a day and a half and then had to spend about 3 hours without my baby after he was born. Not only that but mini-man had terrible unexplained bruising that had me very worried and several doctors stumped. We chalked it up to my having pushed on him for 3 hours and left it at that… the truth would be discovered 5 weeks later.

Once home I felt like I was in a daze. I think being handed a newborn to care for after such a difficult labour with no sleep had me at a disadvantage to begin with. Not only that but I’d had hopes of a perfect pregnancy, natural delivery and a beautiful breastfeeding relationship – none of which came to pass. But now I was recovering from a c-section and my husband was working; I had been convinced to give supplemental formula in the hospital by a nurse who was bound and determined to shatter my confidence in being able to nurture my son; and I was bagged. Completely exhausted.

Mini-man was born on a Thursday night; we left the hospital on a Sunday mid-day, and my husband was back to work the next day. I was alone to take care of this helpless little baby all day every day until about 5 or 6pm. I felt so alone. And tired. So tired. The health nurse came to check on us; mini-man was gaining weight fine; breastfeeding was going okay though he’d nurse for 45 minutes to an hour every 2 hours, so I’d have about an hour between nursing sessions to sleep, eat and pee.

I would cry… and scream sometimes. My husband couldn’t really understand why he’d come home to a messy house, no food prepared and I’d hand him a freshly fed baby and go to bed for an hour or two saying, “Wake me when he needs to be fed.” Our relationship suffered badly.

The day time stood still

When he was 5 weeks old I suffered through the most traumatic experience of my life: Because my husband and I are both adopted, we didn’t know any of our medical history. It turns out I am a Hemophilia carrier and our son has Hemophilia. Tragically, we found out by circumcising him. After what was supposed to be a simple, routine procedure, I was holding him in the ER at Royal Columbian Hospital as he turned grey and listless while slowly bleeding to death.

While that moment was a huge turning point in my faith life (which maybe I’ll write more about at some point), it was that moment that every parent who actually does lose their child experiences… the one where you know whatever happens is going to happen and there’s NOTHING you can do about it. I experienced every emotion you could imagine – fear, rage, overwhelming sadness, frustration, and even some weird feeling of shame. Obviously the ending was a good one for us – the ER staff managed to get him stabilized and sent to Children’s Hospital where he underwent surgery to stitch him up and received a blood transfusion… he had lost over half his blood volume. They then were able to confirm the diagnosis and get us connected with the BC Children’s Hospital Hemophilia Clinic.

My state of mind got worse from there… I struggled with breastfeeding after that… too much stress. I struggled with thoughts of “maybe I am just not meant to be a mother.” After all, if it weren’t for modern medicine neither I nor my baby would have made it through the birth at all let alone through the circumcision. While mini-man slept well at night, he still nursed every 2 hours all day long, wouldn’t nap and wouldn’t let me put him down without crying. By the time he was 3 months old I started smoking again – I had quit cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant – which made me feel like an even worse mother. Then I couldn’t quit…

I don’t remember much of my son’s life from when he was 3 months old until he was 9 months old. In fact, it took until he was almost 2 years old before I finally started feeling like I could relax and enjoy him. My husband and I grew pretty distant for a long time. He didn’t understand. I never shared it with him.

A horrible secret

No one knew how I felt. They knew I was overly neurotic and high strung, but no one knew the things I thought about. No one knew about the tantrums I had alone at home with him. I loved him so much and wanted him and his life to be perfect. I couldn’t make it perfect. I couldn’t give him the perfect mother. I went to mom & baby groups, I worked out, I still did all the things that made my life look normal on the outside, but inside I was being slowly tortured by my own thoughts.

I didn’t get help. I felt like maybe what I was experiencing was just me having a hard time adjusting. I felt like I’d be judged. I worried if I was put on medication would it make things worse. I feel like I missed out on a lot.

A whole different world

Now #2 is here… mini-boy is now 7 weeks old and mini-man will be 4 years old in a month. It is so different this time around. I finally know what motherhood is supposed to feel like. While I did still have gestational diabetes, the pregnancy was otherwise easy. I had a scheduled c-section though I did get the opportunity to go in to labour on my own first, which oddly felt like a win. Mini-boy does not have Hemophilia… another win.

I have been feeling well with the 3 and 4 hour sleep increments which have now extended to up to 7 on some nights. I’ve been given the okay to workout again and get back to normal life.

The difference is that with mini-boy I have beautiful moments each and every day when I get to snuggle and kiss and talk to my smiling, cooing, beautiful baby. I never felt that with mini-man. I feel like we were both robbed of that experience though it’s more of a sadness than a guilt feeling. I know it’s over and my relationship with my oldest son is amazing. He’s a fantastic kid… so loving. I sometimes wonder how he got that way.

Words of wisdom

I have a few specific pieces of advice I’d like to give:

• If you think you don’t feel right, you don’t. See a doctor.
• Postpartum Depression is largely a result of hormonal shifts but can be worsened by life circumstances. It’s not your fault.
• You must try to get as much sleep as you can.
• Let people help you. Having to entertain them in your home is not helping.
• You can’t be the perfect mom. There’s no such thing.
• Your friends without kids don’t get it. Let it go.
• Don’t make any permanent decisions regarding your relationship/marriage within the first 2 years of your baby’s life.
• It will get better. You will look back and this time will have gone by so fast.
• Lean on your partner. Nurture your relationship. It will grow through parenthood.

And the last piece of advice I want to give is to try and change your expectations.

So often we are expected to continue everything we did in our lives before baby after baby. I think it becomes worse the older we get. At 30 years of age I had experienced freedom – I knew what I liked and what I didn’t like, who I was and who I was not and had some financial freedom. What I found was that I was trying to fit my entire life in while my son was asleep – band rehearsals, workouts, sleep, sex, coffee with friends, TV shows… It just didn’t work and it took a long time for me to realize that and shift my expectations. I had to find a way to incorporate things I enjoyed into my new life as a mom.

I also learned I couldn’t do it without leaning on my husband.

I can honestly say that after having survived the first two years of parenthood my relationship with my husband is so much more solid than I ever thought it could be. He’s my voice of reason when I’m starting to stress and it has been amazing watching him grow into an awesome father and an even better husband.

If you’re in that place right now, where you just can’t feel good about your new life as a mom and you spend any amount of time crying or yelling or thinking thoughts of harming yourself or your baby please… please get help. Don’t miss out on the beautiful moments. It’s not worth it.

Photo: Boogies with Fish on Flickr

Today I was reading Amber Strocel’s post on Re-evaluating Your Dreams and Desires and it got me thinking. I wrote in my last post that I’m turning over a new leaf this year; that I’ve decided to focus my efforts on things I have always wanted to do but never have instead of on things I think I should do for various reasons… for money… for success. Part of that is re-evaluating what’s important to me, what I have time for and what I have the heart to go after with the precious time I do have. The truth is, I can’t do it all. I can’t continue to do everything I’ve been doing and add to it with new things I’d like to do.

Like Amber, I’m a little stubborn. When I put my mind to doing something, I very much intend to complete it and will usually do so no matter what it takes. I have done some very unique things in my life: Among them, Combat Engineer training with the Canadian Armed Forces, earning my black belt in SKF Kickboxing, losing 60 lbs and running a half marathon. I have a million more things in my bucket list too.

It pains me to quit anything I’ve started.

I’ve decided to give up Urban Shore. While I still believe the concept is a good one and it could be successful if I were to dedicate the time to it that it requires, it’s just not in my heart to do it. It would take far more hours than I’d really anticipated to build it up to what I’d like it to become. I had a vision for it – a community where local residents and business owners can benefit from one another… where locals can find out about what’s available in their own neighborhood and merchants can engage with those residents… a community where everyone could be proud of where we live and who we are. I was planning, in time, to add a mobile subscription component, menus, event listings and more, but really just didn’t give this project the attention it needed, or deserved.

Instead, I will be focusing my efforts on some very real dreams, goals and ambitions this year:

• Songwriting, performing and recording
• Health & Fitness – running, racing and triathlon
• Helping my husband start a new business

In the coming weeks I will write in detail about each of these endeavors… the challenges and the rewards.

What are you focusing your efforts on this year?

Are you like me? Do you have a favourite little ritual that feels indulgent?

Years ago, before I got married and started my family I used to enjoy taking bubble baths. Once a week I would pick up special soap, foot scrubs, face masks, do a Biore pore strip, grab a scented candle and indulge in a long soak followed by a manicure and pedicure. That was when I had all the time in the world.

Now that I’m a wife and a mom with a full time job, a home to keep in some semblance of order and another baby on the way, I feel like it’s even more important to find those small indulgences that make me feel good. The trick is finding those things that take no more than 5 minutes.

I wanted to share my little simple indulgence with you… if you’re a guy, you may want to pass (though I bet if you did this you’d feel great too, albeit maybe a little awkward about explaining the enjoyment), but for the ladies, try giving your hands a one minute pampering.

My favourite products are from Bath & Body Works. Last time I was across the border I picked some up at Bellis Fair. I can’t tell you how excited I am that I will soon be able to get my hands on these things here in BC! Bath & Body Works is coming this fall to Richmond Centre. Now granted it’s a bit of a trek to Richmond from North Van, but it’s a longer haul to Bellingham so it’s still a win.

Anyway, I digress. Here’s the routine:

1. Wash your hands with Midnight Pomegranate Anti-Bacterial moisturizing hand soap with green tea extract and shea butter. It’s so nice and creamy but with a hint of grit to exfoliate; it will leave your hands clean  but feeling moisturized.
2. Dry your hands well.
3. Grab about 2 tbsp – a little glob – of True Blue Spa ‘there’s the rub’ Salt Glow with natural sea salt and rub it in your your hands. Really rub it… rub your fingers with it, your palms and the back of your hands… keep going for at least 30 seconds or longer. It’s got a super gritty, sort of greasy feel to it and it smells wonderfully of eucalyptus. Reminds me of being at the spa.
4. Rinse your hands under warm water and continue rubbing until all the salt scrub has been removed.
5. Pat your hands dry.
6. Grab pretty much any of Bath & Body Works’ scented body lotions – I really enjoy Mango Mandarin – and apply like you would any other hand lotion.

And voila!

This one minute indulgence will leave you with the softest hands you can imagine, you’ll have had an experience that will make you feel like you might have just woken up from a dream about being at a spa, and your hands will smell so good you’ll want to lick them (don’t actually do this, though… the lotions don’t taste as good as they smell).

Then all you have to do is indulge at least 3 times a week for best results.

What little simple pleasures do you indulge in?