Photo: Spartan Soldier on Flickr
I just read a post by Darren Rowse over at ProBlogger that had my skin crawling and made me feel very uncomfortable. Darren put into words that which I have never had the nerve to say in either spoken word or type. He described me as he spoke of the early hours of Sunday morning:
“…you wander over to your computer, check your blog for comments, check your subscriber and traffic stats and maybe crank out a quick post or video. Then, you jump on twitter to check your timeline, follower numbers and reply to any @’s or dm’s.
A few minutes later, the kids wander out and your day really begins. Breakfast, then the day’s activities. It’s all great fun, yet, you still find yourself reveling in those random moments in the rest-room, where you linger a few extra seconds to check your e-mail, IM, twitter and stats once more on your trusty iPhone.” [Bloggers Without Boundaries]
Well. Ouch.
I find myself looking inwardly and feeling convinced of two things: 1) That I’m abiding in the gratification I get from engaging with a huge group of people on a regular basis and 2) that Darren might just have a hidden camera in my bathroom. Both are equal cause for concern.
The Sermon That Hit Home
This morning I was listening to a fantastic sermon that I am going to transcribe – as soon as I have enough time in the bathroom I guess – and put here. It was really impactful and it confirmed everything I’ve been thinking, fearing and worrying about: this imbalance and loss of boundary between work and play.
Today’s sermon was on The Secret of Soul Rest, based in Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” [ESV from bible.com]
… and John 15:5 (well, I’m adding verse 4 here too)
4 Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. 5I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
[ESV from bible.com]
The thing that my pastor kept nailing home for me was that if you’re not abiding in Jesus, you’re abiding in something else. There is no other way. You live somewhere. You benefit from something. You gain from something… what are you benefiting from? Where are you putting your focus? Your energy? Your love? And how’s that working for you?
We numb our fears, our discontentment, the unfulfilled parts of ourselves with addictions… “other lovers” as my pastor put it. True. The list of addictions is so long… drink, food, drugs, sex, sports, porn, perfectionism, money, status, position, blog subscribers or twitter followers, studying, church, ministry even. Getting our sense of wellbeing, no matter how temporary or false, from the wrong stuff. Getting our egos stroked somewhere… most of which is unhealthy and causes unnecessary anxiety or busy-ness in our lives. All things that do not glorify God.
It pains me to think I’ll lose blog subscribers for even writing this.
Photo: parl on Flickr
I think about all the plans I have regarding my blog, my writing, my ability to market myself as a consultant or contractor and my reasons for doing so… and the reason is good: by the time my son starts school, I want to be 100% self-employed and working only during school hours or after my son is asleep at night while earning enough money to support my family. But in the meantime, my drive for this is taking away from my relationships with my family… it’s taking away from my relationship with God.
I’ve been abiding in the wrong stuff.
I’m not sure what this means for the future of my blog. I’m not sure what this means for my pet project: Urban Shore. I’m not sure what this means for the other projects I’ve been offered ‘on the side’ because I’ve come to realise there is no ‘side’; there are only 24 hours to every day.
God is right now bringing me to a place where I have to accept that I’m not in control of any of it. I’m in a place where all I can do is get on my face and pray… because I have no idea what the future holds. I’m not sure how life may change in the days and weeks ahead and honestly, I’m really at a place where I’m open to anything…
What I do know, though, is wherever I end up, I want to abide in my faith. I want to abide in the Love of God. I want to abide in the Word. That’s where the soul rest is.
Everything else is noise.