Monthly Archives: May 2010

Amazing Grace: and now a word from our creator

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Photo: mtbjohn on Flickr

Sometimes I’m ashamed to call myself a Christian. And it’s not because I’m ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus or my faith in God, but I’m ashamed of the image of Christianity that has been shown to the world. Oftentimes I hear people recount their views on Christianity and what it is to be (in the words of my friend Sarah Bessey) a “happy-clappy Jesus lover” and I feel like my faith has been so completely bastardized by misinformation and false doctrine that everything in my soul feels like screaming out.

It’s not what you think it is!

Today I heard a message from God… directed at me. I’m sure of it. It was as if this morning’s sermon was poured out by God to minister to my heart and confirm everything I’ve been thinking, feeling and trying to explain to those in my life who question the foundation of my faith.

See, I’ve been going through one of the toughest things I’ve ever experienced. One of the biggest struggles I’ve been facing is redefining myself as a single mom, a single Christian and a mid-30′s single woman. I don’t know who I am on my own anymore. To be honest, I’ve never been on my own. I’ve been in 3 long-term relationships back to back since I was 16 with just tiny breaks in between. To make matters worse, I was never particularly good at being in relationships either (read in to that what you will). And the cherry on top is that I came to know my faith while I was married, so I have no idea who I am apart from my marriage.

Sure, I have a bucket list, so to speak… things I want to do in this life… but all my plans for my family centered around my husband’s hopes/wishes/dreams for us. I wanted to go where he wanted to go… I could be happy anywhere with him. What I don’t have now is a dream for myself and my kids apart from him. I don’t know how to behave each day when I get up in the morning.

So I’m a little lost.

In my lost state and my efforts to redefine myself, I have reverted back to some old behaviours that are less-than-healthy by most standards and certainly sinful by God’s standards… and when I say reverted back I mean more like I’ve embraced my failure to some extent and am kind of wallowing in it… enjoying my sin if you will. My faith life has taken a beating as I’ve struggled to pick up my bible in months and have barely been able to eek out a prayer other than “God, anything you want me to do you’re going to have to do through me, because I’m pretty helpless at the moment.”

I’ve never felt so far from Jesus yet so uplifted by his grace in all my life.

I’ve had several conversations with friends recently about this stuff and I keep coming back to the same point: I never earned my salvation to begin with and I sure can’t work to keep it. God knows me and my faults, my habits and hangups… he created me. He loves me. Just as I am. No matter what. And forever.

Today’s message was a giant confirmation for me that what I’m feeling is indeed spirit-inspired.

The Revelation

I once had a revelation during a group prayer time before a Sunday morning service. It was so sudden and so clear I told the whole congregation during the worship service: God showed me a picture of a clay jar full of cracks and holes… falling apart, barely held together. From all the cracks and holes came a radiant light. This is us. This is the body of Christian believers. This is the potential for humanity… the more cracks and holes we have the more the light of Jesus can shine out of us. The more broken we are, the more opportunity for God to show himself to the world.

If we were perfect, what would we need God for?

The Message

The sermon today was titled “The Treasure Within”. The main point was from 2 Corinthians 4:7 – “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.”

It was about the broken clay jar.

“Spiritual growth is not a straight journey from weakness to power… but a journey in both weakness and power. (…) We all see things in our life that show us how far short we fall from the ideals of holiness and the ideals of wholeness (…) It’s at times like that we need to embrace again the gospel of grace.”

“We’re fallible. We’re human. (…) God will use each one of us to do remarkable things. (…) There’s no place for pride; there’s no place for self-reliance if you understand the treasure in the earthen vessel – that we must understand our limitations. (…) We must not be surprised by our own failures. (…) God will use every failure … and he will bring out of that new growth.”

“Four areas of concern…

1) Applauded temptations/addictions: Not all temptations prickle with danger… some things look very virtuous: perfectionism… how legal we become. Workaholism… busyness… The greatest sin is not your failure, it’s your presumption that we can succeed without full dependency on Christ. Our goal is maturity, not perfectionism… God is more interested in your love than your perfectionism.

2) Inconsistency in reading scripture and prayer: Inspiration and enthusiasm wear out… take your hands off yourself, submit yourself to the Lord. It’s not a matter of willpower. That will always run short… what it is, is embracing the power of a vision… who God is calling us to be in Christ Jesus. There will be frequent lapses… half the time we’re just plain lazy… Just offer yourself to the Lord. “Lord, this is what I am unless you help me.”

3) Comparing ourselves to others: One of the most common tendencies is to idealize other peoples’ experience… we may think they don’t have any problems… God is never in a hurry. He’s at work in you… if things don’t seem to be happening fast for you, you’re normal.

4) Looking for a zap rather than knowing Christ in a greater way: Many people crave for revival… that’s not my purpose. My purpose is to know him better… growth is slow and steady.”

“How God uses our imperfections…

Our imperfection discloses our helplessness apart from the Lord… God uses our imperfections to cultivate an honourable humility… there’s no room for any kind of pride. God shows us our limits through our failure… an honourable humility, which often the church lacks… there’s nothing about the vessel for us to be bragging about. God uses our imperfections (…) to stimulate my patience and gentleness with others… people carry a lot of loads… our imperfections drive us in to the arms of grace.”

“Through the cracks, people can see the treasure.”

[Download the full sermon: Pastor Owen Scott - Lynn Valley Full Gospel Church]

Closing Thoughts

If anyone who professes to be a Christian claims to be without sin I’m calling them out right now. They’re lying.

Christians flip the bird at other drivers. Christians drink too much. Christians use drugs. Christians use foul language. Christians lust, watch porn and have affairs. Christians lie and cheat. Christians hold grudges. Christians can be downright mean… I could go on… and on… and on…

I believe with all my heart that God just wants me to be honest with him about where I’m at. That’s it. The moment I try to hide myself is the moment my faith begins to crumble. But even in my failures and my weakness, as long as I’m continuing in my communion with God in an honest way, he will be near.

And I can still see his works in my life.

I can see his love poured out on me when I needed help most. I can see how God prepared my heart and my household for Dave’s death. I can see answers to my prayers – even if they’re few and far between. I can see my life moving towards the direction I’m destined for. I can see people blessed by me and TRUST ME… it’s not because of anything I do.

I’m involved in ministry and considered stepping away from service because of how I’ve been behaving lately… but one morning last week I sat down and just started to praise God. He IS still God, after all. And I heard his voice… “Don’t stop praising.”

God moves in mysterious ways… but no one will be without sin in this lifetime. Grace was made for lives like ours… and God is still God.

“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” Phillipians 1:6

Sweet Sleep and Eternal Worry

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Photo: dugasj on Flickr

Why is it that moms worry about everything? Maybe it’s ingrained in our DNA to worry about our offspring as a way to ensure we don’t give them away or eat them, but I don’t think there’s a mother out there who doesn’t worry about her kids.

And I can understand the worry about the big, bad things – drowning, car accidents, falls from windows etc. – but we also find a way to worry about the good things.

Last night, mini-boy slept over 11 hours straight.

I had fallen asleep early – something very rare in my world (side note: I have a hard time forcing myself to go to bed at night because the non-kid silence is so lovely and I know that once 6am rolls around it’s non-stop mom responsibility for the next 13+ hours) – and awoke at 1am… still fully dressed as I was when I laid down thinking I’d just rest for a few minutes. After being up for 45 minutes or so I actually got myself ready for bed thinking I’d have another hour or so before mini-boy would wake me with his little cries.

So 6am rolls around and I wake up in a panic… and soaking. No cries.

Fighting the urge to run in to the kids’ room and check his breathing I laid there thinking about the grim possibilities.

I remember this with mini-man – now 4. He had been on a regular schedule of sleeping 8pm-midnight, waking for a feeding, then sleeping until 4am, waking for another feeding and then he would go back down until maybe 6:30 or so. I remember so vividly the night he first ditched the midnight feeding… I woke up (also soaking, I might add) about 5am and realized there was no crying. I thought he was dead. Then I went in and checked his breathing… still breathing. So then I worried that he’d awaken at midnight as usual and I’d somehow slept through his crying… then I felt awful and berated myself for being a terrible mother.

Then I realized he’d just slept through. Most likely. He began to sleep 8 hours straight every night after that.

At least with the second child the worry is a little reduced because I finally realized how insane I’d been the first time around. But honestly I don’t know of a single mother who hasn’t, at some point, checked her sleeping infant’s breathing… even sometimes going so far as to wake the baby to make sure he’s alive.

Why do we do that? Sleep is a good thing, right?

And now that this hurdle is over, I can go on to worrying about more important things… like food allergies, milestones, weaning, injuries, tantrums, back-talk and questions about where babies come from.

Just one baby – A day in the life

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Oh how our perceptions change.

I remember thinking 4 years ago how difficult life with a baby was. I’m not sure if it was the postpartum depression, the personal adjustment to becoming a mother or the adjustment my marriage took to figure it all out… perhaps it was a combination of all of the above. I sure found parenting to be a wicked change from my blissful life simple adult life life before kids.

Now when I find myself with just one baby, I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to do with my time. There’s a weird sense of relief and boredom all rolled in together at the thought of not having to entertain a curious and energetic 4 year old, but having only to occupy a not-quite-5-month-old baby whose only source of frustration is when he can’t get the toy to his mouth in a timely manner.

Today, mini-man was with his Nona and I had not had the foresight to make any plans in advance other than a music rehearsal this morning. My mom came over to babysit mini-boy and was horrified when he slept through the entire visit (she drives a good 45 minutes to get here). I put him down for a nap at 9:15am and was certain he’d be awake by 10, but I returned at noon to a disappointed Nana who kept peeking in to see if she was going to get any cuddle time whatsoever.

I filled the rest of the day with take-out sushi, a trip to the store for light bulbs and a new booster seat for Nona’s car, visits to a couple of open houses in the neighborhood where I’d like to live, a nap and some reading. After our busy afternoon **insert sarcasm here** I talked on the phone, played with mini-boy on the livingroom floor, fed him, gave him a bath and put him back to bed. Then I indulged in a glass of wine, some leftover pesto pasta straight out of the plastic container I’d stored it in and settled in to my couch with my book. Then I fell asleep.

It was 7:30pm.

For the life of me I can’t quite put my finger on why I found parenting so difficult when I had only one baby with two parents. Now I guess I’m getting used to having two kids with one parent… Anyway, for any of you who are finding adjustment to new motherhood hard, take heart… you will one day look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

Just one baby… easy peasy.

What’s in your underwear?

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Photo: Frankfarm on Flickr

Get your head out of the gutter… I’m talking about cancers below the belt.

Last month, a very close friend of mine lost her step dad to bladder cancer. Before he had bladder cancer he’d had prostate cancer and this same friend lost her dad 10 years ago to colon cancer. I have some other friends who lost their mom to colon cancer as well. There is no shortage of stories of how cancer devastates families every day.

In fact, I have been treated twice and know many other women who have also been treated in various ways to remove pre-cancerous cells from the cervix. This is way more common than you might think. And it’s a little scary.

This year, I’ve decided to run in the BC Cancer Foundation’s Underwear Affair in memory of Bob Walker to help raise money for this worthy cause:

Join BC Cancer Foundation’s Underwear Affair® presented by Mark’s Work Wearhouse and help uncover the cure for underfunded below-the-waist cancers like prostate, ovarian, and colorectal. On July 10, 2010, run the competitive 10K or walk the fun 5K and show Vancouver that there’s absolutely no shame in bringing a little awareness to down there-ness. [uncoverthecure.org]

The minimum fundraising commitment for this event is $300 and I’m hoping you will help me reach my personal goal of $500 raised. I have kicked off the donations by chipping in $100 of my own, but I’d love to see my friends and family rally around to help me.

It’s been a long time since I ran 10km though I’m confident I will find the strength to run this race. I only have to take one look at the sadness on my loved ones’ faces to see how important this is… and I want to help make a difference.

Will you help me? Please click below to donate.


Have you or someone you know been affected by cancers below the belt? Please share your story in the comments… or maybe you’d consider running with me.

Monday Moans

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Photo: Aleksi Aaltonen on Flickr

Well it’s Monday morning and I’m going to take this opportunity to indulge in a little whining…

I’m seriously unimpressed with the state of my body. Not the shape of it. The state of it. Two pregnancies and two c-sections (not to mention breastfeeding two babies), combined with some less-than-healthy personal habits have indeed left the shape with something to be desired. I can, however, live with the shape. The physical state, on the other hand, is desperately out of whack.

Parenting is physically demanding. I remember this after mini-man was born… I have nearly no range of motion in my shoulders from constantly having my arms out in front of me – carrying babies, pushing strollers… well, sitting at the computer typing… add the sliced up abs from the c-sections and my lower back is messed up too and requires active rehabilitation to fix it.

I wake up every morning with a sore, stiff back, tension headaches and numb hands. What I need to do is re-balance my physiology to fix these problems and it will definitely require the help of a personal trainer who knows what they’re doing.

I’ve decided to check out a new gym that has childminding. Options are certainly limited in North Vancouver: North Van Rec Commission has childminding at most gyms but the hours are limited. Fitness World has childminding too with somewhat extended hours but they pack the kids in like sardines with very little supervision. I will give Genesis Athletic Club a go and see what their facilities are like.

I’m also torn between massage, chiropractic and physiotherapy to fix my back & shoulders… not sure what should be my first line of defense. Personally I’d hope an aromatherapy massage and a glass of wine would fix it, but sadly I think it’s going to take a little more effort on my part.

What’s your Monday Moan?

Transparency with a hint of narcissism

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Photo: limowreck666 on Flickr

The more I use social media tools to communicate with people the more I ponder the long-term rammifications of such systems. I know there was a time when people were a little nervous about using a little newfangled tool called the telephone. Similarly, when email became a viable communication tool in business, the C-suite got their panties in bunches because everything anyone said would become written record. Now, in the days of Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, YouTube, Flickr, MySpace, forums and the myriad other social networking sites out there, EVERYTHING is a matter of written record. Personal, professional, not-so-professional… everything.

The one thing I find absolutely fascinating about these sites is that it takes a certain kind of person to start a conversation. There is definitely a sort of narcissistic tendency that drives status updates everywhere. Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn all have a status update field, and updating one’s status is like starting a conversation without knowing who you’re talking to… it’s sort of akin to running out into the street and screaming, “I just ate pancakes for breakfast!” to see who might respond. The business equivalent is like standing in the subway yelling, “I improved sales by 23% over last year by implementing a new CRM system!” What kind of person starts a conversation without someone on the receiving end?

Almost everyone.

If that is the case, are we creating a narcissistic society? What does the future of social networking look like?

The simple fact that I have a blog probably makes me a bit of a narcissist if I’m being honest. I’ve never met a blogger who didn’t get a sense of accomplishment from checking their site stats; some even go so far as to set up full Google Analytics and track conversion rates for email and feed signups. It’s not that I think there’s anything wrong with that, but it is just evidence of the ego boost that goes along with knowing people are interested in what you have to say.

I’ve always been a little awkward in new situations or when I’m put on the spot; it’s the reason I’ve become so incredibly truthful in every situation – sometimes to my own detriment. Somehow I find being completely transparent makes life easier… not to mention, I don’t have to try and remember what I said in any given situation. In light of my mildly stunted personal skills, social networking and communicating online gives me the opportunity to think through what I want to say before I blurt out something ridiculous. This is good for me.

I am excited at the prospect of a transparent world.

Ten years from now, everyone will be online sharing status updates and leaving a trail of evidence to their lives behind them. No longer will anyone have a public and a private persona. No longer will people have to worry about not getting a job because they had some college party photos on their Facebook; companies will barely be able to find anyone who hasn’t posted something that shows them enjoying a drink, wearing something too revealing (or nothing at all), or doing something embarassing. What will happen, though, is that we’ll all have to evaluate every relationship by looking at the total person with all their dirty laundry hanging out for the world to see. We will have to consider everyone from a different perspective. I can’t tell you how often it has shocked me to see CEOs use the phrase “WTF” on Twitter. Seriously. It shocks me. But ten years from now it won’t. I will just get to know that those people will likely drop the F-bomb in the office too and decide if that’s okay with me.

I’ve already said more online than many people and maybe that will come back to bite me in the butt one day. But I’m happy knowing I’m true to me and if someone chooses to overlook me for a given opportunity because I’m a born-again Christian or because I’ve had postpartum depression, because I once bashed a reality TV star or because I have written about the joys of colon cleansing so be it. I’m okay with that. The kind of opportunities I’m looking for are those where my skills can make an impact and those that allow me to be as nerdy as I want, let me try out new ideas and allow me to do what it is that I’m passionate about.

I can’t and won’t be someone else just so more people will like me. After all, I think I’m pretty great and that’s all that matters.

I dare you to copy your most recent status update to the comments…

Where in the world is Wilkie, Saskatchewan

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This past week I had the pleasure of travelling to a tiny town in western Saskatchewan to visit Dave’s dad, John, and his wife Margot. I’ve met them twice before, but haven’t seen them since before Dave and I were married. I thought in the wake of Dave’s death, it would be good to establish the relationship between them and our sons. They are, after all, family.

Dave and his dad had a tough relationship and some massive miscommunications, coupled with baggage from the past, led to some less-than-agreeable words passing between them. However, I believe that Dave – with his heavenly wisdom – would have wanted his dad to get to know his kids. So we headed off to Wilkie, Saskatchewan on Monday.

Wilkie is about 160km northwest of Saskatoon. A cute little town with a population near 1200 it is tiny but has some character. John & Margot run a bed & breakfast there called the Pioneer Parish Bed & Breakfast – an old church they’ve converted. They live downstairs in the old church basement, which they have completely renovated and restored, and have built two guestrooms on the main floor in the church sanctuary. The place is cute – it’s full of antique trunks, art etc. and they have it set up to do karaoke every so often with the people of Wilkie. Dave always did have fond memories of his dad on a guitar… mini-man had a great time playing guitar with his Papa John.

Pioneer Parish Bed & Breakfast

Mini-Man with Papa John

Me & the boys with Papa John & Margot

It was really a great visit despite the snow blowing sideways on May 4th and temperatures that never got much above freezing. We stayed up way too late at night talking about all kinds of things and just basically getting to know one another. I’m very glad we went. Mini-boy was a champ and thrilled everyone with his huge smiles; he even slept well… not sure why he won’t replicate the good sleeping at home, mind you. Mini-man was fairly well-mannered and charmed all the ladies as usual (his father’s son lol).

If I have learned anything through Dave’s death it’s that life is all about the people around you – your family and friends. That’s all there is when it comes down to it.

If you have anyone in your life with whom you share a strained relationship, I urge you to seek them out, try and look at life from their perspective and work it out. Talk. I think sometimes when kids grow up we try and maintain a parent-child relationship to some extent even though we are children no longer. It’s really a very valuable exercise to get to know your parents or your children as adults… firstly it likely makes for way better conversation, but secondly I think we can continue to learn and grow from the wisdom of our parents. I also think parents can learn from the wisdom of their adult children… if they can see past the troubled teen they once knew.

Now go… give your loved ones a hug and tell them you love them.

And by the way, if you’re ever in Wilkie, Saskatchewan and looking for a place to stay, give John & Margot a call at the Pioneer Parish Bed & Breakfast at (306) 843-2719. They’re lovely and gracious hosts.

Sharing my story with the world

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Well, it’s official. I have become a mommy blogger… or at least I’ve been recognized as one. I was nominated by Vancouver Mom as one of Vancouver’s top 30 Mom-Bloggers. I think I have Karl Woll from Outdoor Vancouver to thank for that (thanks Karl!) I am flattered and it has made me think about my blog and consider writing again.

I haven’t written since my husband’s death for a few reasons: Firstly, the myriad thoughts in my head can often be confusing and move so swiftly I couldn’t imagine coming up with anything coherent to say in one sitting; secondly, I had never wanted to be a mom blogger but at this time in my life I have very little else to discuss aside from my husband’s death and my grieving process; lastly, I wasn’t really ready to share that grieving process with the world as I didn’t want to crank out posts that would just make people feel sorry for me.

Now that a couple of months have passed I can think more clearly and want to begin sharing my new story with you. Blogging sure puts you out there and it really can take quite a commitment to sharing some of these thoughts in hopes that they may have some kind of profound effect on someone somewhere.

So here goes…

Dave and I were together 10 1/2 years. We were married for 5 1/2 of those years and our oldest son just turned 4 in March and our youngest is now 4 months old. Dave and I had quite a crazy relationship and it took a lot of learning and a lot of commitment to make it work and to make it good. In the last 2-3 years we had really learned to live for each other, parent together… we’d become one. But it took a long time to get there. We were both excited about the future – Dave especially. I was more nervous because I don’t really like uncertainty, but he made me feel safe.

I would have gone anywhere with him.

As tragic as his death was, I really feel like God prepared me and my heart for it. It’s only in retrospect of course that I can see it, but a combination of leading and revelation in my life somehow put the pieces together to where it made sense. I had been writing about how I felt God’s leading to stop working so hard and take time to enjoy my family even though I thought I was working hard FOR my family. Dave was off work from an injury and we had no idea what he’d end up doing or how he’d make a living and yet I felt overwhelmingly like I was not to focus my attention and time on my career, which is totally counterintuitive for me. Since our youngest son, “mini-boy”, was born in December and until the day Dave was killed, we spent every day together as a family enjoying one another – going to parks, beaches, playing video games, day trips… talking about our dreams and learning how to live our new life as a foursome.

That time was absolutely precious and I believe it was a gift.

You know how you live with some kind of expectation for the future? You have a plan… you can envision where you’ll be 6 months from now, a year from now and you have a picture of where you want to be 3, 4, 5 years from now? We didn’t have that. We were living each and every day trusting God would work his plan in our life, that he would provide for our financial needs and that things would work out in whatever way they would. We had talked about how we both felt overwhelmingly like something astronomical was going to happen in 2010 that would change our life forever; we just didn’t know what that would be.

We were excited about it.

In the week before he died he had done so many things that, in essence, made my life after his death all that much easier. He had moved around all the furniture in our bedroom and put up the crib for mini-boy; he had cleaned out both vehicles and had our main vehicle serviced; we had gone grocery shopping and stocked up our home not only with food, but with all those household things you need but hate to buy – laundry soap, diapers, razor blades, paper towel, cleaning supplies, aluminum foil etc… you get the picture. Finally, the morning he died he had even done all the laundry lol!

Dave liked to do some crazy things: aside from riding motorcycles he enjoyed scuba diving, skiing… we’d gone skydiving together a couple of times. He lived closer to the edge than most. For that reason, I had actually had to consider what my life would look like if he were to die. I know that sounds morbid, but I had thought about it – we had to. We had discussed how much life insurance to buy, we have some good friends who have agreed to raise our boys if I go too, and we had discussed final arrangements. I just never thought I’d need to use any of that information. In a way, though, that made getting through these last two months much easier than it otherwise could have been.

My mom had a friend who had always said, “When I go I want to get hit by a bus in a good neighborhood.” Saturday, March 6th – a day I’ll never forget – was a beautiful day. Dave had wanted to get out for a little ride because the rest of the week was supposed to be rainy. He took the boys in the morning so I could go get a workout – my favourite cardio-kickboxing class at Champions Academy, then he picked me up and took us home and got all geared up to go for his ride. He was planning to run an errand out to a bike shop in Langley and then meet up with friends who were riding from Maple Ridge; he planned to travel back home to the North Shore with them. He left our place at 12:30 and was planning to be home by 3 to go hiking with me and the boys at Lynn Canyon. Boy, how life can change in an instant.

In the end it was a beautiful day, he was excited about his future, things between us were good, he was enjoying the company of friends and doing something he was ridiculously passionate about and his death was instantaneous. Ultimately his heart was unplugged and I’m confident he didn’t feel a thing. Now, if there is a GOOD way to die… I suppose that’s it. Our last words were “I love you!” “I love you too… ride safe.” “I will,” he responded. And I know he did.

But what will be will be… I have seen the hand of God all over our life together. I wouldn’t even have my faith and salvation if it weren’t for my relationship with Dave. His life made a difference on this earth and he’s left a lasting legacy. I believe I will see the redemption following his death and I hold tight to that faith.

So now that I’ve got that much out, I’ll be sure to share more of me with you in the coming days, weeks, months.

In other news, I decided to get myself a Mother’s Day gift this year – I just picked up the brand new Canon Rebel T2i. I figure you can never have enough photos and videos of your loved ones… might as well make them good ones. The above photo is one I took while trying it out yesterday with mini-man. Can’t wait to take it off auto…

If you’re new to my blog or have just stumbled upon it through a search engine, you can read all the entries about the death of my husband here.