Monthly Archives: August 2010

The Joy of Parenting

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Photo: PhotograTree on Flickr

So I’m thinking of writing a parenting book but I can’t decide what to call it…

  • Rocks in my dryer
  • Don’t eat that
  • Yogurt on the carpet
  • Why do bananas have to have those stringy things anyway?
  • Eggs are a dinner food
  • I love you too; that’s why I’m so mean sometimes
  • I don’t want to make the lego tank again
  • Yes I know mommy said a bad word
  • Crayons in the couch
  • God didn’t give you eyes on the back
  • Jam side down
  • Sand in my shoe
  • My purse is not a garbage bag

What do you think?

The Story of Me: Volume 3

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Photo: Eric M Martin on Flickr

Volume 1

If my life was a story made up of various chapters in multiple volumes, Volume 1 could be called “Michelle: the daughter of her parents”.

That first volume told the story of a girl’s childhood. It told countless anecdotes that each had a lesson… the moral of the story just like every fairy tale. Those stories molded the young girl into the person she would start to become as an adult. In the first volume, her parents were her source of knowledge, strength, inspiration, hope, and wisdom. Her parents were the key influencers and taught the girl what they felt were the necessities of this lifetime as they saw it. It was a beautiful book filled with love, opportunity, encouragement, security and discipline and it set the foundation for volume 2. Volume 1 ended with hope and excitement as the now young woman finished her education, began to establish an adult life and caught a glimpse of what it might take to build the future she was only just starting to imagine.

Volume 2

Volume 2 could be titled “Michelle: on becoming a wife and mother”.

Volume 2 began with the now young woman meeting the man she would go on to marry, learning to function together with him and learning what it really means to love someone apart from herself. It was filled with chapter upon chapter of ups, downs, learning experiences, growth experiences, laughter and tears. It told the story of the young woman following her heart wherever it would lead, even if that was into some pretty treacherous territory. As the story unfolded her eyes were opened up to some very important life lessons on marriage, on child-rearing, on connections and interpersonal relationships… on faith. In this story, she transitioned from looking to her parents for love and guidance to seeking out those things from her marriage partnership and growing her character with the help of an expanded sphere of influence.

Just before the end of volume 2, the woman’s husband was killed tragically leaving a sense of chaos and deafening silence in her life and her home. What an odd ending to such a beautiful volume. When you got to the end you might say, “It must have had some pages torn out.” If it were a movie you would say, “Well, they have to make a sequel; it can’t end like that.” Here’s the thing… there’s a tiny little piece of the story hiding at the end of that second volume that, if you don’t pay close enough attention, you could miss entirely. It’s a short scene that is pretty vital to understanding and enjoying the sequel. It’s that bit that you might only catch as you re-read the book for the second or third time. In fact, most people won’t ever re-read it and that full understanding remains reserved for the story’s author alone.

At the end of volume 2, a divine peace permeates the protagonist’s life. She finds herself pondering every moment up until that point and every hope for the future. She sees that the future she once expected and dreamed about will now never come to pass but she can also see that she’s not alone in this journey: The author of life itself knows how the story will unfold.

She’s actually been given a precious gift: the ability to co-write a new future with strengthened faith borne out of her helplessness; the ability to co-write a new future while applying every lesson learned from volumes 1 and 2; and the freedom to boldly step into that new future with excitement and anticipation thanks to her steadfast faith.

Volume 3

Volume 3 has begun: “Michelle: destiny awaits”.

So volume 3 is now just starting to be written, but it has indeed begun. I know everyone has an opinion on what I should think, feel, do in light of my husband’s death. Whether you end up sharing it with me or not, I know you have an opinion. And it’s okay. The truth is, I have been given the opportunity to take everything I know about me, my faith, my kids, my hopes, my likes, my dislikes, my wishes and earnestly seek exactly what I’m looking for without compromise. That’s the silver lining.

I really don’t want to be alone. I don’t think this life is meant to be lived alone. God said, “It is not good for a man to be alone.” I want someone to share my life with, to share my experiences with… someone to share parenting with. I want someone who will help to model a healthy marriage relationship to my kids. I want someone who will be my partner and hold me up when I’m on shakey ground. I want someone to help teach my boys how to be men. I want someone to lead my family. That’s what is missing. And I believe God wants that for me too.

If I were to create a list of criteria for a perfect partner it would include:

  • Must love God and have a personal relationship with Jesus
  • Must love kids and have some of his own but desire no more
  • Must have been married and understand all that entails
  • Must have a stable job or at least a really strong work ethic
  • Must have a strong desire to grow in faith
  • Must be around my age, give or take 5 years or so
  • Must have a huge heart
  • Must be willing to commit for better or worse
  • Must be willing to accept that I will always speak lovingly about my late husband to my kids – this will last 20 years or more
  • Must be willing to pray together
  • Must be willing to fill the role of mentor to my boys
  • Must be willing to carry on a dating relationship the way God would want

So yeah, I assumed I’d never meet someone that would be a perfect match. That is, after all, quite the list of demands, right?

Well… it turns out it’s not so far-fetched after all.

I have met someone new who I am very much enjoying getting to know. Too soon? Not when the hand of God is all over it. The human heart has an extraordinary ability to overcome. In some ways, I think moving beyond the death of a spouse may be easier than moving beyond a broken marriage where one person chose to leave. Especially for a believer. I fully believe my late husband has reaped the ultimate reward… we should all be so blessed! I don’t have to feel hurt that he chose to leave. I don’t have to feel sadness that he won’t see his boys grow up – he’s in heaven worshiping the Almighty Creator! I just have to cherish his memories, honour him as I raise our boys and know that one day I’ll worship around the throne with him.

I’m excited about what the future holds for me and my boys and I’m ready to dive in and write volume 3. I hope you will sit back and enjoy watching the story unfold without judgement.

If you’re new to my blog or have just stumbled upon it through a search engine, you can read all the entries about the death of my husband here.

Only good memories remain

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It’s five months tomorrow since Dave died. It’ll also be my birthday.

The last time I shared my thoughts on the process of dealing with this was two months ago and life is beginning to make sense again. The fog has lifted some and I’m starting to feel more comfortable with day to day living as a single mom. I’m really grateful it’s summer because the late afternoons out at parks and beaches and hanging out in Dave’s mom’s back yard by the pool gives me a great excuse to order take-out dinners or eat picnic foods. I’m still not particularly skilled in the kitchen but I’m very much looking forward to getting a new barbecue and eating a steak for the first time in 5 months. Adding to the challenge of the dinner hour is that mini-boy is now fully involved in the food scene and so I have to make sure I have adequate soft cooked, chopped and minced foods for a 7 month old to gum. I’m very much looking forward to when he and mini-man can eat the same meal.

I miss him every day.

I still get regular reminders that he’s gone… a letter in the mail “To the Estate of…”, mini-man blowing a dandilion and wishing for his dad back, a realization that there’s something I don’t know how to do that Dave would have – like switching the hard and soft tops on our Jeep… and I still sometimes get broadsided by something that I didn’t expect. For instance, last weekend I took both kids and Dave’s mom to see The Lion King at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. I LOVED the movie and I had heard such great things about the musical that I just had to go. Well… I probably should have thought a little about the plot before heading out all excited. The part where little Simba sits trying to wake up his dead lion dad was painful and a couple of songs in the second act had me wishing I wasn’t there… I’m glad I ended up in the crying room with mini-boy; I think I may have cried more than he did. The show was amazing, but it sure was excruciating to watch.

I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is thinking about my boys growing up without their dad. In fact, that was the very first thought I had when I found out he’d been killed.

I have some good male friends who have been hanging with mini-man lately and getting some quality guy time in with him… he’s absolutely craving male attention. You know, wrestling, kicking stuff, playing with swords etc. He will take it wherever he can get it… and that is fine for now. Even if and when another man might come into our lives, he’ll never be their father. He’ll never care quite as much. No one could possibly care quite as much as Dave did. But I do trust that God will build a beautiful story from my boys’ lives even without their dad.

I’m still working on organizing our home.

I have an overwhelming need to get it to a certain level of livability with two kids and only one person to pick up after all three of us… especially before I go back to work in January. I’m a little scared of going back to work. I can’t imagine how I can run my household, adequately parent two children and work a full time job… but plenty before me have done it. I’m sure I’ll learn. It’s kind of strange… you would think losing my husband while my youngest was so teeny-tiny would have been the worst thing; but in all honesty, that has been a huge blessing. The fact that I will have had almost a full year before I have to go back to work has helped tremendously with living through this ordeal I’m sure. Knowing I can just focus on myself, my kids and our home has been one of the things I’m most thankful for.

For the most part I’ve gone through all of Dave’s stuff and have two very full boxes of keepsakes… photos, journals, his bible, some clothing – particularly t-shirts that appear in the photos – tie clips, cuff links, the neck chain he wore when we got married, his poker chips and playing cards… I’ve tried to save everything that the boys could one day use to connect their dad to the memories or things they could simply use and enjoy. I have yet to go through his dive gear and figure out what to do with all of it and I haven’t yet touched our storage locker in the basement. I also have a bunch of motorcycle gear I’ll probably just keep – his jacket, my jacket, a couple of helmets, gloves, and a big riding backpack etc. Not that I think I’ll ever get back on a bike at this point… but the truth is I know Dave would still want his boys to ride one day. I’ll tackle that when the time is right.

I’ve had the old barbecue taken away – Dave had been complaining that it was dead and we needed a new one, I’ve put up a bunch of new toy shelves in the boys’ room and I’ve had all the carpet and upholstery cleaned. Now I just want to finish clearing all the paperwork and stuff off my dining table and get the new barbecue picked up and put together. I know I won’t feel totally peaceful even then… it still feels like I need to do stuff. But I think it will help to feel like I’m kind of settled in now for the long haul… or at least the next couple of years. I’m still holding out hope that I will be able to buy a house once I’ve settled with ICBC.

I have a few things that I’m looking forward to.

In September I’m taking the boys and Dave’s mom to a bereavement camp called Camp Kerry and my parents want to take me and the boys to Mexico in November sometime. That will be nice. Plus, a while ago, I won a week in St. Maarten from Porto Cupecoy so I’m hoping to take that in March next year – by then mini-boy will be old enough for me to leave him with Dave’s mom and mini-man and get some quality adult-only time with a girlfriend. I’ll likely be spending Christmas at Harrison Hot Springs as well – we want to do something different so we’re not just kind of having the same celebration we always have minus Dave. That would be too hard.

I have found a couple of online resources that have been a source of comfort to me:

  • Young Christian Widow – a blog written by a woman who lost her husband to brain cancer and who is raising her three boys
  • Widow’s Voice – a blog written by a variety of widows and widowers

I am also planning to join in the Grief Share program at Valley Church in September.

Over all I do feel a certain amount of peace that I can only attribute to God. I have been able to be very kind to myself, allowing myself every thought, every deed, every self-indulgence, every angry moment or sad moment without self-judgement… again, that can only be from God given how hard I normally am on myself. Dave’s death has, no-doubt, changed me in some profound ways… I’m sure I haven’t even discovered the half of it yet.

It’s funny… when I think about Dave now, all that remains is the good stuff. I mean, I know the bad stuff was there, but it fades into the background of my memory bank leaving only the happy memories to be enjoyed. All the disagreements, hurts and trouble we’d shared over more than 10 years become a distant past and the only important stuff… the stuff I’ll cherish and remember always, are his dreams, strengths… his love and commitment to his family, his joy of life and what he wanted for our family. I hope I can honour his dreams for our family without him.

I’m so very grateful for my family and my friends who have really stepped up to love on me and the boys. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

If you’re new to my blog or have just stumbled upon it through a search engine, you can read all the entries about the death of my husband here.

Do sweat the big stuff?

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Photo: Enol on Flickr

My head is spinning from the sermon delivered this morning at my church. It was a beautiful metaphor about bookends. The bookends are:

  1. The Righteousness of Christ
  2. The Power of the Holy Spirit.

Together, they hold together all the books of our life – our homes, our jobs, our relationships, our kids etc. Without the two bookends, all the books will either fall over – at least over time, they will – or we’ll move them around to make them stick but they might not remain in the right sequence or priority. No matter how hard we try, we can’t keep the books of our lives lined up and standing strong without the bookends.

I’m not going to summarize the sermon, though I did find it to be very impactful… but today I wanted to touch on a part of it that got my head spinning: the part about the righteousness of Christ.

We looked at a couple of scriptures, though I don’t know what bible translation they’re from:

“as it is written: ‘None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.’ ” [Romans 3:10-12]

and

“God made Him who had no sin [Jesus] to be sin for us, so that in him, we might become the righteousness of God.” [ 2 Corinthians 5:21]

So the long and short of it is no human is righteous. No one can be in right standing with God. But God made a way for us through Jesus’ death on the cross. He paid our debts; but not only that: His righteousness is credited to us.

What got my head spinning was the reference to our list of sins. The pastor used the analogy of a ledger book and an accounting angel who went around behind us every day noting down our various sins. The examples used were envy over the material things of others’ like cars and vacations, lying to one’s boss over being late, stealing office supplies like file folders and paper clips and cursing someone for being a nuissance in the neighbourhood. He went on to preach how all these things are not only erased (if that were all we’d be seen merely as blameless) but that we are, in fact, credited with Jesus’ righteousness and we are, therefore, righteous in the sight of God.

I loved this sermon; don’t get me wrong, please… but…

Would this sermon be preached in a Christian church if the list of sins was something other than jealous thoughts, white lies, theft of insignificant proportion or thinking poorly of someone?

What if, instead, the sermon listed bitterness, name calling, kicking the family dog and watching porn? Would it still be preached? Does Jesus’ sacrifice cover that? What if it listed drinking until blacking out, laughing at a homeless prostitute, tax evasion and ignoring your husband? What if it listed excessive speeding, using crystal meth, beating your wife  and molesting your children? What then? Would it still be preached? Would this sermon still be preached if one of the sins on the list was having pre-marital sex? What if one of the sins on the list was having an emotional affair with someone from work? What if one of the sins on the list was adultery?

Would this sermon still be preached in a Christian church if one of the sins on the list was lusting after or having sexual relations with someone of the same gender? Would it be preached?

These questions are obviously intended to raise more questions and some deeper thought.

I’ve heard it said – even by some people I hold a great deal of respect for – that anyone who might commit sins “such as these” (on topics such as adultery, addiction, homosexuality… you know, the BIG sins) were likely not saved, spirit-filled Christians to begin with. I find that mildly presumptuous to say the least.

I have to ask then… what kind of sins do saved, spirit-filled Christians commit and which ones don’t they commit? Which ones does the power of the Holy Spirit keep them from commiting and which ones doesn’t it? See… here’s the thing… If God is capable of renewing us when we receive the Holy Spirit at salvation (or subsequent to salvation during the baptism of the Holy Spirit as some would argue) to the point where we no longer commit the big sins as some might claim, SURELY He is also capable of keeping us from stealing paper clips from the office! Even many non-Christians don’t steal from the office, lie to their boss or envy their neighbour’s new car. If we need a saviour to be our righteousness before God by erasing all the little sins, how much more do we need a saviour to erase all the big things?!

It doesn’t make sense to me that a God who created us… in His image… who gave us free will… who was there when Eve first ate of the fruit… who would love us so much that He would send His Son Jesus to die as a propitiation for our sins… would say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff… I got that covered. But the big stuff… well, you’re on your own for that.”

The Apostle Paul wrote:

“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” [2 Corinthians 12: 7-10]

His grace is sufficient for you too.

… but I’m still spinning here…