Morning mind-shift

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Photo: hddod on Flickr

I have to admit I’m not at my best first thing in the morning.

Getting up early in the morning was so much more enjoyable before I had kids. I’d get up between 5 and 6am, make coffee, sit around and watch the early news on TV, bumble around the house… have a shower and slowly get ready to face my day.

As any parent knows, however, when you have kids your day is going to get started whether you’re ready for it or not. It usually starts with the sound of a small child’s voice saying, “Hi Mommy!” And I have come to the conclusion that there is one, and only one, very specific thing I can do to make sure each day starts off well:

I must get up before my kids.

See, if I wake up to a little face peering at me – no matter the size of the grin on it – I am usually not in the right head space to get up and be the best mom I can be. Waking up to immediately fulfilling others’ needs even irritates me a little if I’m being honest. I’m just not that selfless. I wish I were. I SO wish I were… it would make those middle-of-the-night crying/barfing/falling-out-of-bed moments that much easier to deal with. However, I am not. So while I am very good in a crisis, fulfilling plain old everyday kid-needs goes so much more smoothly when I’ve had a chance to get my head on straight beforehand.

And so I must get up before my kids; in fact, my best days start at 5:30 am.

My best days start with a cup of way-too-strong coffee from my French press, my backside firmly planted in my favourite corner of my couch and the coffee table pulled close. I get out my bible and a devotional book and put them on the table with my coffee… and I pray. My best prayers usually pour out first thing in the morning before the day has wrapped around me and surrounded me with detail.

I then open up my devotional book to find the day’s scripture passage – I find having a devotional book helps direct my bible reading; I wouldn’t really know where to begin without one. I often find relevance in whatever passage I read. It almost always seems to be on a topic that has either been on my mind or applies to a specific situation I’m currently dealing with. For instance, just this morning I was praying that my life would be a testimony of God’s goodness; that somehow the way I live my life would show evidence of God’s love to those around me. After all, sometimes I think people who know me outside of my church life would have no idea I’m even a Christian, or worse: that they would know I profess to be a spirit-filled follower of Jesus but my actions don’t indicate any love for others. So I pray often hat I would love others in a very genuine and practical way.

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matthew 22:37-40

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.” John 13:34-35

Then this morning’s reading was from Matthew 5:13-20 on being “Salt and Light” and I was reminded of the commandment to “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven”.

This little morning ritual helps me to get my head wrapped around the most important things each day before I have to selflessly give of myself to my kids. In fact, after spending this short but so meaningful time I usually find I’m more than willing to pour out my love to my family and friends.

It’s funny what just a little mind shift can do. Now if I could just be disciplined enough to go to bed early.

Organized Religion: Parental Guidance Suggested

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Photo: bradjward on Flickr

I have been thinking about so much stuff lately… my mind is like a circus! I’m not even terribly certain I can put into some kind of reasonable sense of order the things I want to share with you today, but here it goes anyway:

According to canadianchristianity.com’s The State of the Local Church 2010, “Weekly church attendance has dropped from about 70 percent of the Canadian population in the 1950s to 20 percent today.” Yet fully three quarters of Canadians claim to be Christian according to Wikipedia.

It used to be that families attended church out of tradition or a sense of moral obligation. It was considered normal and a sign of being of good character. Many people grew up believing they were Christians simply because their parents took them to church and they knew all about the gospel message. Nowadays our society has shifted away from church attendance. Our social and religious norms now include questioning every practice and every principle in order to make our own determinations as to their validity based on own own moral values. It’s not that I think there is anything wrong with this questioning… quite the contrary: I think questioning is a good thing; it allows us to really contemplate and develop conviction in what we believe and why. It allows us to seek hard after our purpose and meaning in this life. And I truely believe we’ll find the answers if we are open to them:

For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. [Matthew 7:8; Luke 11:10]

Having said that, the current lack of church attendance has led to a growing number of people in our country who have never even heard the gospel of Christ nor read anything from the bible. It has also led, in part, to the prevalence of what I’ll call selective Christianity – the acceptance of parts of the message but not all of it.

The Rejection of Organized Religion

I hear it said all the time: “Oh I don’t believe in organized religion.” Or, “Oh I believe in God, but not in organized religion.” “I’m very spiritual; I have my own beliefs.” It has become trendy to reject the major religions of the world and embrace new-age principles and eastern philosophies instead. Many people in this world seem to have developed their own sense of faith that borrows a little bit from each religion or faith system to create whatever works for them.

Here’s my question to those people: “How’s that actually working out for you?”

Photo: amanky on Flickr

I hear people claim Christianity but then also claim they don’t go to church nor do they need to. Okay, that’s true I suppose… you can confess faith in Jesus Christ, pray to God and read the bible without ever setting foot in a church. However,  the scriptures do say Christians should meet together for several reasons:

The Bible tells us we need to attend church so we can worship God with other believers and be taught His Word for our spiritual growth (Acts 2:42; Hebrews 10:25). Church is the place where believers can love one another (1 John 4:12), encourage one another (Hebrews 3:13), “spur” one another (Hebrews 10:24), serve one another (Galatians 5:13), instruct one another (Romans 15:14), honor one another (Romans 12:10), and be kind and compassionate to one another (Ephesians 4:32). [Source]

I can’t speak for anyone else, but I go to church because I adore being there. If there were more services I’d attend those too… in fact, I also enjoy listening to sermons I download on iTunes and still others I watch on YouTube. I receive devotional messages to my email and I have even been known to stay through both services at my church on a Sunday just because I wanted to be there. Some people describe me as a very religious person, but I just love hanging out with like-minded people and growing and serving with them. Plus, I feel like I get a lot out of going, too. The pastors there are great speakers and my church friends are like family to me. I want to know how to apply all that wisdom and knowledge to my life; and I find that doing so makes my life easier, more joyful and more peaceful.

The truth is, I don’t actually consider myself religious at all. I consider “religious” to mean adhering to a set of rules, reading prayers written out by others, standing when told to stand, sitting when told to sit, forcing a set of guidelines and dragging yourself to a room full of other equally unenthused people doing the same things in the hope of maybe being chosen by a holy God to receive salvation upon death. I simply consider that I have a personal relationship wtih the living God… I talk to Him… I hear from Him… I want to know Him more. I want to know His plan for my life… I want to live that out.

I want, more than anything, to be who I was created to be.

The only reason I’m writing all this down is that my heart aches for all those people out there who are hurting or who are seeking for a deeper meaning to their life. I am convinced we are created by God in His image; our spirits know there is more – we were created to know our creator! Why do you think people spend so much time considering and seeking the purpose of life? All the while they are being bombarded by messages about how evil the church systems are, how corrupt and how dangerous organized religion can be and even just how uncool it is to accept that there is any possibility that the bible might actually be the true, inspired Word of God. So where does that leave them? Floundering to intellectually create their own god using selective Christianity or some other philosophy or faith system.

So going back to my earlier statement, there is a growing number of people in our country who have never even heard the gospel of Christ nor read anything from the bible. In fact, am going to bet that many who reject the teachings of Christianity and the bible have never actually read it nor heard it preached in any way.

Parental Guidance Suggested

If you’re a parent you might, more easily, see where I’m coming from on this one. But if you aren’t a parent, that’s okay… if you had parents you might also be able to track with me here.

Photo: ryk_neethling on Flickr

As a parent, you know things. You know about life, you have experiences to draw upon, you have wisdom you’ve gained from years of living. You want to impart that wisdom and that insight to your children so that they might have a successful future. You want to provide love and guidance; you want to set boundaries and discipline them. You want them to grow up to be people of good character. So you love them with all your heart and you provide for them and you give them good things and you set rules for them to follow. You insist upon certain behaviour else you will implement certain consequences. You want to teach them that there are natural consequences of their actions while not allowing them to feel the full brunt of their mistakes. You want them to make it to adulthood, after all.

If you’re a parent you know your kids better than they know themselves. You know what way they’ll respond to certain circumstances; you know how to best encourage them. You know when what they need is more love vs. more discipline. You know when they’re tired, when they’re hungry and when they’re just grumpy. You want to give them everything they need – they don’t need to ask for those things – but you want to teach them to be grateful for them. You want to give them many of the things they want… unless of course you think getting what they want will be a detriment to them. You want them to talk to you. You want them to open up and share their hearts with you… what’s going on in their lives. You want to know how they feel and what their struggles are. You want to help them. You also want them to ask for what they want, even if you know what that might be.

Do you see the parallel here? Can you see God as a loving father? Can you see the bible as something like the written memoirs of a loving father for his children, grandchildren and generations to come?

Only it’s way better than that.

Kids need love, discipline, boundaries; they need to explore their environment, learn and grow. They need someone to guide them and direct them and someone to keep them in line. A loving parent looks only to help them be the best human being they can be. God wants that for you. He wants you to be his child and He wants to father you, hear your heart, help you grow and become everything you were created to be.

We reject the notion of organized religion because we are told that once we’re adults and out of the care of our own parents we should not be accountable to anyone or anything. But God is our Father. He’s the God of all creation who fashioned you together with all your beautiful intricacies and a specific purpose.

Are you living out that purpose?

Maybe you need some parental guidance from your Father.

A new perspective from Miss Mack

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I’d like to introduce you to someone: It’s not that I feel the need to share the details of my relationship with you just because, but I’d like to set the context for this post if I could. I have been hanging out with Big Mack for a few months now and we are very much enjoying getting to know one another. In fact, it’s safe to say we know each other very well at this point. He lives in another part of our lovely province – the Okanagan Valley. Ahhhh how I love the Okanagan Valley… so beautiful. And very little rain = win. So between us, we have been traveling back and forth and finding time to spend together every week or two. This driving time – roughly 5 hours each way – has given me plenty of opportunity to ponder things in depth, listen to sermons, sing at the top of my lungs with no one laughing, and just think about the greater things in life. It’s been quite theraputic.

So anyway, here are the details: Big Mack is only slightly older than I am, he is a Christian, he is divorced, he has a great job, he has 3 children and he is quite awesome if I might say so. After all, we have a lot in common and, well… I am quite awesome. Okay… perhaps he’s a little more humble than I. Or a lot more. Whatever.

I have now had the opportunity to spend 3 visits with Big Mack’s kids. They are 6 (girl), 7 (boy) and 10 (girl). It’s been really fun spending time with girls. It’s been a long time. I lived with a partner many years ago before I met my late husband and he had two girls that I grew to love. It’s nice having girls around again. This past weekend, I had the opportunity to sit with Big Mack’s oldest girl – I’ll call her Miss Mack – and have a nice conversation about stuff, get to know her, and really listen to what she wanted to say. Well something she said that prompted a revelation in me:

I don’t take enough time to really be 100% present with my own kids.

See, when I take the time to prepare everything at home – arrange for childcare, plan everything that needs to be planned and commit to not doing anything (read: chores) in my home environment for a time, I am free to visit with Big Mack and his family without a thought about the things I “should” or “could” be doing. There are no errands to run and none of those nagging little jobs that have been on my to-do list for months that I really should get around to doing at some point. I make myself present for those with whom I am visiting. I am free to focus on them. I am free to give them my attention so I can really hear what it is they are saying to me. I am free to relax and laugh and enjoy them. I am free to get to know them deep down inside because I am free from the distractions of everyday life and I can take the time to ask questions that may produce a long answer.

Why, then, do I not take the time to elevate the quality of my own family time?

There is no good answer. See, it’s not that there were no chores to do at all – in fact, when I’m visiting with the Macks I’m helping them out and Big Mack certainly can’t ignore all the ongoing chores required in a home with 3 kids – there were plenty of crunchy things on the floor, socks on the coffee table and dishes to wash at all times – just so he can spend time with me. However, I found myself being more relaxed and accepting of daily “stuff” and perfectly willing to just get it done so we could enjoy our time together. At home I find I don’t want to let that stuff just sit there even though my son wants me to spend time with him.

This will change now.

When a child opens up to you about something on their heart, it is a precious gift. And how we react as parents can have a lasting effect on their sense of security, confidence and trust. I want my boys to always know that I love them, that my love for them is unconditional, that I want to know what’s going on with them, that they are more important than the chores on my list. I want to know what they’re thinking way in the depths of their hearts and I want them to trust me to always make them a higher priority than random busy-ness, dirty dishes and laundry.

So I’m living and learning… and I’m just so grateful that I could sit with 10 year old Miss Mack and learn to be a better parent from her.

Sometimes it’s all a matter of perspective.

Life in a fish bowl

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Photo: Alloppp on Flickr

I know that being a blogger and sharing of my life with the entire internet kind of puts me out there. I get it. I have chosen this. But I’d like to vent for just a moment.

I’m a little angry.

Maybe it’s a grief thing; but maybe it’s just a human thing. I don’t react well to being judged by others. I never have. All my life I’ve been the kind of person to endure overwhelming anxiety at the thought of letting anyone down – especially those I care about. I care so deeply that I can’t bear the thought of people being even the slightest bit disappointed in me.

But here’s the thing: I’m a big girl now; this is my life and I’m the only one who can live it.

I am not unaware that everyone seems to have their own opinion about how I should conduct myself in my personal life in light of my husband’s death. It’s one thing to have an opinion but it’s another altogether to voice it to me… or worse: to other people. What irritates me even more is I hear that those who are sharing their opinions don’t even know me at all; they just know of me. I have been given plenty of opinions to date: I have been told I shouldn’t date anyone until my kids are grown up and I have also been told I’m completely unavailable for an emotional relationship and, therefore, I should simply have indiscriminate sex with whomever I like.

Well thank you for your wisdom all. Now that I know the outer parameters of my situation, please allow me to select a point on that spectrum for further consideration, m’kay?

I don’t mind being vulnerable. I don’t mind sharing my situation in hopes that someone might benefit somehow from something I might say. I hope I can inspire people or, at the very least, make people smile or laugh. I’ll even share some thoughts and emotions that might make your gut churn at the thought. I have always been painfully honest… blunt even. But at least no one can say I’m not genuine. I would hope those who have been following my story – especially those who claim to care about me and my kids – can find it within themselves to recognize that this has been a crazy year for me and it’s not done yet. I may not be sitting around my home crying my eyes out and seeing a therapist, but this has definitely been the most profound thing I’ve ever dealt with. And I am dealing.

Please be gentle with me; I’m not heartless.

Here’s the explanation for my peace and my joy: I still completely believe God’s hand is directing my life. I believe He has been guiding me and preparing me and molding me and leading me to where I am today… through meeting and marrying Dave and having my kids right down to introducing me to the man I have chosen to pursue a new relationship with. I believe God has redeemed everything I’ve ever done that was outside of His perfect plan for my life and I believe He is going to take me into my future. I have complete peace about what I’m doing. My faith has never been stronger than it is right now and those of you who don’t believe as I do won’t understand it. Oh how I wish you could. I wish you could see the world through my eyes for just one day. I wish for that – no, I pray for that – all the time.

If you know me, please trust me. Trust that I know what I’m doing. I’m pretty intelligent and I’ve never given anyone a reason not to trust me. You don’t have to worry about me or my kids. In fact, when others say they worry about my kids I find it insulting. I love my kids more than anyone else on earth and I’d never do anything I felt wasn’t in their best interest.

And if you don’t know me well enough to know where I’m really coming from, please don’t judge me. You aren’t living my life.

Where’s your joy?

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Photo: xymox on Flickr

When you get up in the morning, what’s the first thought that crosses your mind? Is it positive or negative?

I find this world is becoming increasingly negative. We procrastinate because we don’t want to do the things we should. We can’t be bothered. We want everything the way we want it and we want it now. I was watching a talk from Barry Schwartz on the paradox of choice on ted.com recently and he hypothesized that because we have so many choices – nearly endless in many cases – we are unhappy when something does not fully meet our expectations. We are no longer ever pleasantly surprised when something turns out to be better than we thought it would be.

Nothing is ever better than we think it will be thanks to our ridiculously high expectations.

Do you complain about going to work? Not having enough money? Not having a big enough or nice enough home? Not having a partner? Not liking the partner you do have? Your kids are driving you crazy? You don’t have kids and you want them? You have kids and you don’t want them? Do you complain about your friends, your in-laws, your teachers, your boss? Do you complain that your restaurant meal was not to your liking or the service you received didn’t come with a smile?

Do you like to laugh at other people? Do you look at someone and silently – or even right out loud – comment that they’re too fat or too skinny, they have funny-looking hair, went too far with the self-tanner, dress poorly, walk funny?

Where is all this coming from? Where is the joy?

Someone once gave me a piece of advice I’ll never forget… something that changed me forever: They said, “No one wants to hear you complain all the time. Just stop.”

See, because I was uncomfortable with who I was – I was socially awkward and had a somewhat lowered sense of self esteem – I used complaining and negativity as an ice breaker… a conversation starter. If I were to complain about something or someone, surely another person who agreed with me would chime in and we could be miserable together. It wasn’t until someone really drew my attention to it that I realized just how bad it had become.

I think the whole world needs the same kick in the pants that guy gave to me those many years ago.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. [Romans 15:13]

I know where my joy comes from.

The Joy of Parenting

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Photo: PhotograTree on Flickr

So I’m thinking of writing a parenting book but I can’t decide what to call it…

  • Rocks in my dryer
  • Don’t eat that
  • Yogurt on the carpet
  • Why do bananas have to have those stringy things anyway?
  • Eggs are a dinner food
  • I love you too; that’s why I’m so mean sometimes
  • I don’t want to make the lego tank again
  • Yes I know mommy said a bad word
  • Crayons in the couch
  • God didn’t give you eyes on the back
  • Jam side down
  • Sand in my shoe
  • My purse is not a garbage bag

What do you think?

The Story of Me: Volume 3

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Photo: Eric M Martin on Flickr

Volume 1

If my life was a story made up of various chapters in multiple volumes, Volume 1 could be called “Michelle: the daughter of her parents”.

That first volume told the story of a girl’s childhood. It told countless anecdotes that each had a lesson… the moral of the story just like every fairy tale. Those stories molded the young girl into the person she would start to become as an adult. In the first volume, her parents were her source of knowledge, strength, inspiration, hope, and wisdom. Her parents were the key influencers and taught the girl what they felt were the necessities of this lifetime as they saw it. It was a beautiful book filled with love, opportunity, encouragement, security and discipline and it set the foundation for volume 2. Volume 1 ended with hope and excitement as the now young woman finished her education, began to establish an adult life and caught a glimpse of what it might take to build the future she was only just starting to imagine.

Volume 2

Volume 2 could be titled “Michelle: on becoming a wife and mother”.

Volume 2 began with the now young woman meeting the man she would go on to marry, learning to function together with him and learning what it really means to love someone apart from herself. It was filled with chapter upon chapter of ups, downs, learning experiences, growth experiences, laughter and tears. It told the story of the young woman following her heart wherever it would lead, even if that was into some pretty treacherous territory. As the story unfolded her eyes were opened up to some very important life lessons on marriage, on child-rearing, on connections and interpersonal relationships… on faith. In this story, she transitioned from looking to her parents for love and guidance to seeking out those things from her marriage partnership and growing her character with the help of an expanded sphere of influence.

Just before the end of volume 2, the woman’s husband was killed tragically leaving a sense of chaos and deafening silence in her life and her home. What an odd ending to such a beautiful volume. When you got to the end you might say, “It must have had some pages torn out.” If it were a movie you would say, “Well, they have to make a sequel; it can’t end like that.” Here’s the thing… there’s a tiny little piece of the story hiding at the end of that second volume that, if you don’t pay close enough attention, you could miss entirely. It’s a short scene that is pretty vital to understanding and enjoying the sequel. It’s that bit that you might only catch as you re-read the book for the second or third time. In fact, most people won’t ever re-read it and that full understanding remains reserved for the story’s author alone.

At the end of volume 2, a divine peace permeates the protagonist’s life. She finds herself pondering every moment up until that point and every hope for the future. She sees that the future she once expected and dreamed about will now never come to pass but she can also see that she’s not alone in this journey: The author of life itself knows how the story will unfold.

She’s actually been given a precious gift: the ability to co-write a new future with strengthened faith borne out of her helplessness; the ability to co-write a new future while applying every lesson learned from volumes 1 and 2; and the freedom to boldly step into that new future with excitement and anticipation thanks to her steadfast faith.

Volume 3

Volume 3 has begun: “Michelle: destiny awaits”.

So volume 3 is now just starting to be written, but it has indeed begun. I know everyone has an opinion on what I should think, feel, do in light of my husband’s death. Whether you end up sharing it with me or not, I know you have an opinion. And it’s okay. The truth is, I have been given the opportunity to take everything I know about me, my faith, my kids, my hopes, my likes, my dislikes, my wishes and earnestly seek exactly what I’m looking for without compromise. That’s the silver lining.

I really don’t want to be alone. I don’t think this life is meant to be lived alone. God said, “It is not good for a man to be alone.” I want someone to share my life with, to share my experiences with… someone to share parenting with. I want someone who will help to model a healthy marriage relationship to my kids. I want someone who will be my partner and hold me up when I’m on shakey ground. I want someone to help teach my boys how to be men. I want someone to lead my family. That’s what is missing. And I believe God wants that for me too.

If I were to create a list of criteria for a perfect partner it would include:

  • Must love God and have a personal relationship with Jesus
  • Must love kids and have some of his own but desire no more
  • Must have been married and understand all that entails
  • Must have a stable job or at least a really strong work ethic
  • Must have a strong desire to grow in faith
  • Must be around my age, give or take 5 years or so
  • Must have a huge heart
  • Must be willing to commit for better or worse
  • Must be willing to accept that I will always speak lovingly about my late husband to my kids – this will last 20 years or more
  • Must be willing to pray together
  • Must be willing to fill the role of mentor to my boys
  • Must be willing to carry on a dating relationship the way God would want

So yeah, I assumed I’d never meet someone that would be a perfect match. That is, after all, quite the list of demands, right?

Well… it turns out it’s not so far-fetched after all.

I have met someone new who I am very much enjoying getting to know. Too soon? Not when the hand of God is all over it. The human heart has an extraordinary ability to overcome. In some ways, I think moving beyond the death of a spouse may be easier than moving beyond a broken marriage where one person chose to leave. Especially for a believer. I fully believe my late husband has reaped the ultimate reward… we should all be so blessed! I don’t have to feel hurt that he chose to leave. I don’t have to feel sadness that he won’t see his boys grow up – he’s in heaven worshiping the Almighty Creator! I just have to cherish his memories, honour him as I raise our boys and know that one day I’ll worship around the throne with him.

I’m excited about what the future holds for me and my boys and I’m ready to dive in and write volume 3. I hope you will sit back and enjoy watching the story unfold without judgement.

If you’re new to my blog or have just stumbled upon it through a search engine, you can read all the entries about the death of my husband here.

Only good memories remain

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It’s five months tomorrow since Dave died. It’ll also be my birthday.

The last time I shared my thoughts on the process of dealing with this was two months ago and life is beginning to make sense again. The fog has lifted some and I’m starting to feel more comfortable with day to day living as a single mom. I’m really grateful it’s summer because the late afternoons out at parks and beaches and hanging out in Dave’s mom’s back yard by the pool gives me a great excuse to order take-out dinners or eat picnic foods. I’m still not particularly skilled in the kitchen but I’m very much looking forward to getting a new barbecue and eating a steak for the first time in 5 months. Adding to the challenge of the dinner hour is that mini-boy is now fully involved in the food scene and so I have to make sure I have adequate soft cooked, chopped and minced foods for a 7 month old to gum. I’m very much looking forward to when he and mini-man can eat the same meal.

I miss him every day.

I still get regular reminders that he’s gone… a letter in the mail “To the Estate of…”, mini-man blowing a dandilion and wishing for his dad back, a realization that there’s something I don’t know how to do that Dave would have – like switching the hard and soft tops on our Jeep… and I still sometimes get broadsided by something that I didn’t expect. For instance, last weekend I took both kids and Dave’s mom to see The Lion King at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. I LOVED the movie and I had heard such great things about the musical that I just had to go. Well… I probably should have thought a little about the plot before heading out all excited. The part where little Simba sits trying to wake up his dead lion dad was painful and a couple of songs in the second act had me wishing I wasn’t there… I’m glad I ended up in the crying room with mini-boy; I think I may have cried more than he did. The show was amazing, but it sure was excruciating to watch.

I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is thinking about my boys growing up without their dad. In fact, that was the very first thought I had when I found out he’d been killed.

I have some good male friends who have been hanging with mini-man lately and getting some quality guy time in with him… he’s absolutely craving male attention. You know, wrestling, kicking stuff, playing with swords etc. He will take it wherever he can get it… and that is fine for now. Even if and when another man might come into our lives, he’ll never be their father. He’ll never care quite as much. No one could possibly care quite as much as Dave did. But I do trust that God will build a beautiful story from my boys’ lives even without their dad.

I’m still working on organizing our home.

I have an overwhelming need to get it to a certain level of livability with two kids and only one person to pick up after all three of us… especially before I go back to work in January. I’m a little scared of going back to work. I can’t imagine how I can run my household, adequately parent two children and work a full time job… but plenty before me have done it. I’m sure I’ll learn. It’s kind of strange… you would think losing my husband while my youngest was so teeny-tiny would have been the worst thing; but in all honesty, that has been a huge blessing. The fact that I will have had almost a full year before I have to go back to work has helped tremendously with living through this ordeal I’m sure. Knowing I can just focus on myself, my kids and our home has been one of the things I’m most thankful for.

For the most part I’ve gone through all of Dave’s stuff and have two very full boxes of keepsakes… photos, journals, his bible, some clothing – particularly t-shirts that appear in the photos – tie clips, cuff links, the neck chain he wore when we got married, his poker chips and playing cards… I’ve tried to save everything that the boys could one day use to connect their dad to the memories or things they could simply use and enjoy. I have yet to go through his dive gear and figure out what to do with all of it and I haven’t yet touched our storage locker in the basement. I also have a bunch of motorcycle gear I’ll probably just keep – his jacket, my jacket, a couple of helmets, gloves, and a big riding backpack etc. Not that I think I’ll ever get back on a bike at this point… but the truth is I know Dave would still want his boys to ride one day. I’ll tackle that when the time is right.

I’ve had the old barbecue taken away – Dave had been complaining that it was dead and we needed a new one, I’ve put up a bunch of new toy shelves in the boys’ room and I’ve had all the carpet and upholstery cleaned. Now I just want to finish clearing all the paperwork and stuff off my dining table and get the new barbecue picked up and put together. I know I won’t feel totally peaceful even then… it still feels like I need to do stuff. But I think it will help to feel like I’m kind of settled in now for the long haul… or at least the next couple of years. I’m still holding out hope that I will be able to buy a house once I’ve settled with ICBC.

I have a few things that I’m looking forward to.

In September I’m taking the boys and Dave’s mom to a bereavement camp called Camp Kerry and my parents want to take me and the boys to Mexico in November sometime. That will be nice. Plus, a while ago, I won a week in St. Maarten from Porto Cupecoy so I’m hoping to take that in March next year – by then mini-boy will be old enough for me to leave him with Dave’s mom and mini-man and get some quality adult-only time with a girlfriend. I’ll likely be spending Christmas at Harrison Hot Springs as well – we want to do something different so we’re not just kind of having the same celebration we always have minus Dave. That would be too hard.

I have found a couple of online resources that have been a source of comfort to me:

  • Young Christian Widow – a blog written by a woman who lost her husband to brain cancer and who is raising her three boys
  • Widow’s Voice – a blog written by a variety of widows and widowers

I am also planning to join in the Grief Share program at Valley Church in September.

Over all I do feel a certain amount of peace that I can only attribute to God. I have been able to be very kind to myself, allowing myself every thought, every deed, every self-indulgence, every angry moment or sad moment without self-judgement… again, that can only be from God given how hard I normally am on myself. Dave’s death has, no-doubt, changed me in some profound ways… I’m sure I haven’t even discovered the half of it yet.

It’s funny… when I think about Dave now, all that remains is the good stuff. I mean, I know the bad stuff was there, but it fades into the background of my memory bank leaving only the happy memories to be enjoyed. All the disagreements, hurts and trouble we’d shared over more than 10 years become a distant past and the only important stuff… the stuff I’ll cherish and remember always, are his dreams, strengths… his love and commitment to his family, his joy of life and what he wanted for our family. I hope I can honour his dreams for our family without him.

I’m so very grateful for my family and my friends who have really stepped up to love on me and the boys. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

If you’re new to my blog or have just stumbled upon it through a search engine, you can read all the entries about the death of my husband here.

Do sweat the big stuff?

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Photo: Enol on Flickr

My head is spinning from the sermon delivered this morning at my church. It was a beautiful metaphor about bookends. The bookends are:

  1. The Righteousness of Christ
  2. The Power of the Holy Spirit.

Together, they hold together all the books of our life – our homes, our jobs, our relationships, our kids etc. Without the two bookends, all the books will either fall over – at least over time, they will – or we’ll move them around to make them stick but they might not remain in the right sequence or priority. No matter how hard we try, we can’t keep the books of our lives lined up and standing strong without the bookends.

I’m not going to summarize the sermon, though I did find it to be very impactful… but today I wanted to touch on a part of it that got my head spinning: the part about the righteousness of Christ.

We looked at a couple of scriptures, though I don’t know what bible translation they’re from:

“as it is written: ‘None is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God. All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one.’ ” [Romans 3:10-12]

and

“God made Him who had no sin [Jesus] to be sin for us, so that in him, we might become the righteousness of God.” [ 2 Corinthians 5:21]

So the long and short of it is no human is righteous. No one can be in right standing with God. But God made a way for us through Jesus’ death on the cross. He paid our debts; but not only that: His righteousness is credited to us.

What got my head spinning was the reference to our list of sins. The pastor used the analogy of a ledger book and an accounting angel who went around behind us every day noting down our various sins. The examples used were envy over the material things of others’ like cars and vacations, lying to one’s boss over being late, stealing office supplies like file folders and paper clips and cursing someone for being a nuissance in the neighbourhood. He went on to preach how all these things are not only erased (if that were all we’d be seen merely as blameless) but that we are, in fact, credited with Jesus’ righteousness and we are, therefore, righteous in the sight of God.

I loved this sermon; don’t get me wrong, please… but…

Would this sermon be preached in a Christian church if the list of sins was something other than jealous thoughts, white lies, theft of insignificant proportion or thinking poorly of someone?

What if, instead, the sermon listed bitterness, name calling, kicking the family dog and watching porn? Would it still be preached? Does Jesus’ sacrifice cover that? What if it listed drinking until blacking out, laughing at a homeless prostitute, tax evasion and ignoring your husband? What if it listed excessive speeding, using crystal meth, beating your wife  and molesting your children? What then? Would it still be preached? Would this sermon still be preached if one of the sins on the list was having pre-marital sex? What if one of the sins on the list was having an emotional affair with someone from work? What if one of the sins on the list was adultery?

Would this sermon still be preached in a Christian church if one of the sins on the list was lusting after or having sexual relations with someone of the same gender? Would it be preached?

These questions are obviously intended to raise more questions and some deeper thought.

I’ve heard it said – even by some people I hold a great deal of respect for – that anyone who might commit sins “such as these” (on topics such as adultery, addiction, homosexuality… you know, the BIG sins) were likely not saved, spirit-filled Christians to begin with. I find that mildly presumptuous to say the least.

I have to ask then… what kind of sins do saved, spirit-filled Christians commit and which ones don’t they commit? Which ones does the power of the Holy Spirit keep them from commiting and which ones doesn’t it? See… here’s the thing… If God is capable of renewing us when we receive the Holy Spirit at salvation (or subsequent to salvation during the baptism of the Holy Spirit as some would argue) to the point where we no longer commit the big sins as some might claim, SURELY He is also capable of keeping us from stealing paper clips from the office! Even many non-Christians don’t steal from the office, lie to their boss or envy their neighbour’s new car. If we need a saviour to be our righteousness before God by erasing all the little sins, how much more do we need a saviour to erase all the big things?!

It doesn’t make sense to me that a God who created us… in His image… who gave us free will… who was there when Eve first ate of the fruit… who would love us so much that He would send His Son Jesus to die as a propitiation for our sins… would say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff… I got that covered. But the big stuff… well, you’re on your own for that.”

The Apostle Paul wrote:

“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” [2 Corinthians 12: 7-10]

His grace is sufficient for you too.

… but I’m still spinning here…

For the love of food

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Photo: Lea on Flickr

I have a confession to make: I just ate Mini-Man’s half-eaten pizza for dinner. In fact, I have subsisted for days at a time on nothing but kid-leftovers. It’s true.

I hate food.

There was a time I loved food – as evidenced by my not-so-svelte waistline – but those days are long gone. Now, food is a necessary inconvenience. With a 4 year old and a 7 month old, I feel like all I ever do is nurse, prepare food, feed someone and clean up afterwards. The other day I sat down to eat for the first time at 6:30pm and that was while the small one was crying from his bed. Not exactly my idea of an enjoyable meal.

I suppose they don’t make feed bags for children huh?

My normal day looks like this:

  • 5:30am – Sit kid #1 down in front of the TV with a yogurt (yeah, I’ll do a whole post on TV use another day) and make coffee for me
  • 6:00am – Nurse kid #2
  • 6:30am – Prepare breakfast for kid #1
    *after this is the time I may – or may not – fit in a shower*
  • 7:30am – Prepare solid food meal for kid #2 and feed it to him
  • 8:00am – Nurse kid #2 and put him down for a nap while I clean up from his meal
  • 9:00am – We go out… if we’re not out of the house by 9am I don’t get anything accomplished
  • 11:00am – Back home again; nurse kid #2 and put him down for his main nap
  • 11:30am – Prepare lunch for kid #1 & shovel something into my own mouth
  • 12:00pm – Convince kid #1 to take a nap then clean up from his lunch
    *when both are asleep I may get a nap or I may clean up random coloured debris strewn across my humble abode*
  • 1:30pm – Nurse kid #2
  • 2:00pm – Prepare snacks for both kids and get out of the house for the afternoon
  • 4:30pm – Return home and prepare and feed solid food dinner to kid #2
  • 5:00pm – Prepare dinner for kid #1 while trying to entertain a fussy, tired kid #2
  • 5:30pm – Put kid #1 down in front of the TV with his dinner (I know – mother of the year, right?); get kid #2 ready for bed then nurse him again
  • 6:00pm – Put kid #2 to bed; he is often exhausted and over-tired at this point. Crying may ensue all around.
    *this is also when I try and shovel some more food in my own mouth – usually cold since it’s been sitting since 5:30 or earlier*
  • 6:30pm – Put kid #1 in the bath and either continue trying to console over-tired, teething kid #2 or clean up from dinner.
  • 7:00pm – Get kid #1 ready for bed
  • 7:30pm – Finish cleaning up from dinner.

Now, I have been very successful at ensuring both my kids are in bed, quiet with the lights out by 7:30pm so that I have my evenings to myself. This schedule evolved naturally out of Mini-Man’s natural inclination towards an early bedtime as an  infant. But I thank God for that quiet time in the evenings. Dave and I used to sit down to dinner together after Kai was in bed… at least up until he was old enough to benefit from eating with us. Then we had to start eating at 5:30/6:00-ish.

I think that’s when I lost my love of food.

The Proposal

I have a proposal: I would like the world’s finest medical researchers and food scientists to develop an IV or injectable substance that provides all the nutrition and energy we need to maintain optimal health. Wouldn’t it be great if we coud just plug in to a little machine… kind of like an insulin pump… and have it feeding us all day long every day? No blood sugar fluctuation, no one would be overweight or have high cholesterol… we could basically rid the world of the consequences of poor nutrition. If I never had to eat again I think it would be awesome… I think of all the extra time I’d have to enjoy life!

In the meantime, I wonder if I’ll ever enjoy a nice meal again…