Well, it’s official. I have become a mommy blogger… or at least I’ve been recognized as one. I was nominated by Vancouver Mom as one of Vancouver’s top 30 Mom-Bloggers. I think I have Karl Woll from Outdoor Vancouver to thank for that (thanks Karl!) I am flattered and it has made me think about my blog and consider writing again.

I haven’t written since my husband’s death for a few reasons: Firstly, the myriad thoughts in my head can often be confusing and move so swiftly I couldn’t imagine coming up with anything coherent to say in one sitting; secondly, I had never wanted to be a mom blogger but at this time in my life I have very little else to discuss aside from my husband’s death and my grieving process; lastly, I wasn’t really ready to share that grieving process with the world as I didn’t want to crank out posts that would just make people feel sorry for me.

Now that a couple of months have passed I can think more clearly and want to begin sharing my new story with you. Blogging sure puts you out there and it really can take quite a commitment to sharing some of these thoughts in hopes that they may have some kind of profound effect on someone somewhere.

So here goes…

Dave and I were together 10 1/2 years. We were married for 5 1/2 of those years and our oldest son just turned 4 in March and our youngest is now 4 months old. Dave and I had quite a crazy relationship and it took a lot of learning and a lot of commitment to make it work and to make it good. In the last 2-3 years we had really learned to live for each other, parent together… we’d become one. But it took a long time to get there. We were both excited about the future – Dave especially. I was more nervous because I don’t really like uncertainty, but he made me feel safe.

I would have gone anywhere with him.

As tragic as his death was, I really feel like God prepared me and my heart for it. It’s only in retrospect of course that I can see it, but a combination of leading and revelation in my life somehow put the pieces together to where it made sense. I had been writing about how I felt God’s leading to stop working so hard and take time to enjoy my family even though I thought I was working hard FOR my family. Dave was off work from an injury and we had no idea what he’d end up doing or how he’d make a living and yet I felt overwhelmingly like I was not to focus my attention and time on my career, which is totally counterintuitive for me. Since our youngest son, “mini-boy”, was born in December and until the day Dave was killed, we spent every day together as a family enjoying one another – going to parks, beaches, playing video games, day trips… talking about our dreams and learning how to live our new life as a foursome.

That time was absolutely precious and I believe it was a gift.

You know how you live with some kind of expectation for the future? You have a plan… you can envision where you’ll be 6 months from now, a year from now and you have a picture of where you want to be 3, 4, 5 years from now? We didn’t have that. We were living each and every day trusting God would work his plan in our life, that he would provide for our financial needs and that things would work out in whatever way they would. We had talked about how we both felt overwhelmingly like something astronomical was going to happen in 2010 that would change our life forever; we just didn’t know what that would be.

We were excited about it.

In the week before he died he had done so many things that, in essence, made my life after his death all that much easier. He had moved around all the furniture in our bedroom and put up the crib for mini-boy; he had cleaned out both vehicles and had our main vehicle serviced; we had gone grocery shopping and stocked up our home not only with food, but with all those household things you need but hate to buy – laundry soap, diapers, razor blades, paper towel, cleaning supplies, aluminum foil etc… you get the picture. Finally, the morning he died he had even done all the laundry lol!

Dave liked to do some crazy things: aside from riding motorcycles he enjoyed scuba diving, skiing… we’d gone skydiving together a couple of times. He lived closer to the edge than most. For that reason, I had actually had to consider what my life would look like if he were to die. I know that sounds morbid, but I had thought about it – we had to. We had discussed how much life insurance to buy, we have some good friends who have agreed to raise our boys if I go too, and we had discussed final arrangements. I just never thought I’d need to use any of that information. In a way, though, that made getting through these last two months much easier than it otherwise could have been.

My mom had a friend who had always said, “When I go I want to get hit by a bus in a good neighborhood.” Saturday, March 6th – a day I’ll never forget – was a beautiful day. Dave had wanted to get out for a little ride because the rest of the week was supposed to be rainy. He took the boys in the morning so I could go get a workout – my favourite cardio-kickboxing class at Champions Academy, then he picked me up and took us home and got all geared up to go for his ride. He was planning to run an errand out to a bike shop in Langley and then meet up with friends who were riding from Maple Ridge; he planned to travel back home to the North Shore with them. He left our place at 12:30 and was planning to be home by 3 to go hiking with me and the boys at Lynn Canyon. Boy, how life can change in an instant.

In the end it was a beautiful day, he was excited about his future, things between us were good, he was enjoying the company of friends and doing something he was ridiculously passionate about and his death was instantaneous. Ultimately his heart was unplugged and I’m confident he didn’t feel a thing. Now, if there is a GOOD way to die… I suppose that’s it. Our last words were “I love you!” “I love you too… ride safe.” “I will,” he responded. And I know he did.

But what will be will be… I have seen the hand of God all over our life together. I wouldn’t even have my faith and salvation if it weren’t for my relationship with Dave. His life made a difference on this earth and he’s left a lasting legacy. I believe I will see the redemption following his death and I hold tight to that faith.

So now that I’ve got that much out, I’ll be sure to share more of me with you in the coming days, weeks, months.

In other news, I decided to get myself a Mother’s Day gift this year – I just picked up the brand new Canon Rebel T2i. I figure you can never have enough photos and videos of your loved ones… might as well make them good ones. The above photo is one I took while trying it out yesterday with mini-man. Can’t wait to take it off auto…

If you’re new to my blog or have just stumbled upon it through a search engine, you can read all the entries about the death of my husband here.