Photo: Britannia Willes-Smythe
A year.
It’s a long time. It’s a short time. Some things in this life seem to make time irrelevant. I feel almost as if I’ve experienced more in the last year of my life than I did in the 35 leading up to it. I know that’s not true. But I have grown and changed so much in the last year that I almost don’t recognize myself. And if I’m being honest, I like who I have become far more than the girl I was this time last year.
It’s been almost a year since Dave died.
It will be a year one week from tomorrow but I wanted to post this now… I’m not sure why. It’s not that I don’t want to acknowledge the actual anniversary of his death, it’s just that I think I want that day to just exist inside my head. I don’t want to share it with people. I don’t want to immortalize any date on the calendar for sorrow. It’s not the date of his death that should be remembered… it was the years he lived on this earth that made all the difference to those who knew him and to those he left behind.
I’m not sure I can make any sense of what it is I’m trying to say. The corners of my mind are filled with a million thoughts constantly. I’m sitting here watching the snow fall outside my window… it’s glimmering in the light of the street lamp. It’s beautiful. This time last year was very different. The days were warm and sunny. The day he died was beautiful, yet so different from today. I’m reliving the experiences of last year in my mind as I get ready to celebrate Mini-Man’s birthday once again. So many days come to mind: the day he died – I can still see and hear his friend clearly as he delivered the news through his own sobs… and telling his mom – I’m not sure I’ll ever speak words again that will impact someone so much; going to church the next morning – there’s no where else I wanted to be; meeting with the police at the accident site – fixating on the details and going over and over them in my head for weeks to follow; the memorial service – I still think Dave would have loved it; celebrating Mini-Man’s 4th birthday just 10 days after his dad died. I barely even remember it… I’m grateful to those who braved seeing me in order to help my son feel normal on his special day.
If you had asked me on this day last year where I thought I’d be a year from then, my answer would have been so vastly different from where I find myself now. I can say now, with all honesty, I’m amazed and excited and hopeful about where God is taking me.
March 6th is the anniversary of Dave’s death. April 2nd I’m getting married to Big Mack. I hate that Dave died. I love being with someone I have so much in common with. I hate that my boys have to know what it’s like to grow up without their dad. I love that I can see the life I was destined for laid out before me. I hate that the perfect nuclear family we both wanted to give our kids was not meant to be. I love the hope that I feel about my new family and our ability to live out God’s perfect redemption story. It’s hard to think all these thoughts at the same time. I’m grateful for heavenly peace. I’m grateful for God’s grace in my heart that has given me the ability to simply think these thoughts and not judge myself for them.
I have never felt love the way I feel it right now.
I used to think I settled when I married Dave. I was so wrong. He was the one who settled. I know that now. He deserved more than I gave him. He deserved to be loved the way he loved me. He loved me with an overflowing heart. I wish I’d loved him more. I wish I’d made him happy. I wish I had been able to relate to him better. I wish I’d been a better wife to him. He was good to me. We were excited about our future together.
I’m glad I see with my new eyes. I’m glad Big Mack is understanding. I’m glad I know what it feels like to love with every corner of my heart. I’m glad my boys will have an amazing dad to look up to. I’m grateful for my beautiful boys. I thank God for them. I thank Dave for them. I’m glad Big Mack is a conversationalist. I’m glad we share so many opinions from doctrine to food choices to humour to parenting style. I was committed to making my marriage with Dave good. I think marriage with Big Mack is going to be easier.
It’s bittersweet watching Mini-Man grow to love Big Mack. It’s beautiful watching Mini-Boy play with Big Mack’s nose and seeing them laugh together. It amazes me how much my heart has grown to make space for the 3 Mack kids. I pray every day that I’ll become a better mom. I pray that I will become more fruitful… patient, kind, gentle, self-controlled… I pray I will be a good step-mom too. I pray I’ll be a better cook.
I believe God has good plans for me. I’ve never stopped believing that. I believe what I say I believe. I believe it with my whole heart. I believe Jesus is the redeemer. I believe Dave is being rewarded in heaven and I believe God still has things for me to do in this life. I believe I’ve experienced everything I have for a purpose. I believe I’m becoming who I am intended to be.
The way I can honour Dave’s life is to love as he did.
With an overflowing heart.
If you’re new to my blog or have just stumbled upon it through a search engine, you can read all the entries about the death of my husband here.
