The Heart of Postpartum Depression

michelle.mack — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 06:18:41 +0000

Can we talk about life with a new baby for a moment? I’m about to overshare in a really big way here…

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head. So many things I think about and so many things I want to share with other moms… new moms. Things people never shared with me when I first became a mom… probably because they were too afraid to be labeled. I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve here because I think if this information makes just one new mom feel less alone, it’s worth it.

This post isn’t going to make a lot of sense… I know it’s not written well and I won’t share all the gory details – that would take a whole book, but I will just say I suffered with awful postpartum depression after my first son was born. I haven’t mentioned it much publicly because I have been waiting on the edge of my seat to see if I was going to suffer the same affliction this time around.

Pregnancy & Labour

The first weeks with mini-man were rough. My pregnancy had not been without challenges: I had gestational diabetes, terrible swelling and carpal tunnel syndrome, gained 70 lbs and had high blood pressure at the end. Then I had a difficult birth experience – an induction at 41 weeks that resulted in 30 hours of labour followed by 3 hours of pushing with no results and then a c-section. I’d been awake for 2 days, hadn’t eaten in a day and a half and then had to spend about 3 hours without my baby after he was born. Not only that but mini-man had terrible unexplained bruising that had me very worried and several doctors stumped. We chalked it up to my having pushed on him for 3 hours and left it at that… the truth would be discovered 5 weeks later.

Once home I felt like I was in a daze. I think being handed a newborn to care for after such a difficult labour with no sleep had me at a disadvantage to begin with. Not only that but I’d had hopes of a perfect pregnancy, natural delivery and a beautiful breastfeeding relationship – none of which came to pass. But now I was recovering from a c-section and my husband was working; I had been convinced to give supplemental formula in the hospital by a nurse who was bound and determined to shatter my confidence in being able to nurture my son; and I was bagged. Completely exhausted.

Mini-man was born on a Thursday night; we left the hospital on a Sunday mid-day, and my husband was back to work the next day. I was alone to take care of this helpless little baby all day every day until about 5 or 6pm. I felt so alone. And tired. So tired. The health nurse came to check on us; mini-man was gaining weight fine; breastfeeding was going okay though he’d nurse for 45 minutes to an hour every 2 hours, so I’d have about an hour between nursing sessions to sleep, eat and pee.

I would cry… and scream sometimes. My husband couldn’t really understand why he’d come home to a messy house, no food prepared and I’d hand him a freshly fed baby and go to bed for an hour or two saying, “Wake me when he needs to be fed.” Our relationship suffered badly.

The day time stood still

When he was 5 weeks old I suffered through the most traumatic experience of my life: Because my husband and I are both adopted, we didn’t know any of our medical history. It turns out I am a Hemophilia carrier and our son has Hemophilia. Tragically, we found out by circumcising him. After what was supposed to be a simple, routine procedure, I was holding him in the ER at Royal Columbian Hospital as he turned grey and listless while slowly bleeding to death.

While that moment was a huge turning point in my faith life (which maybe I’ll write more about at some point), it was that moment that every parent who actually does lose their child experiences… the one where you know whatever happens is going to happen and there’s NOTHING you can do about it. I experienced every emotion you could imagine – fear, rage, overwhelming sadness, frustration, and even some weird feeling of shame. Obviously the ending was a good one for us – the ER staff managed to get him stabilized and sent to Children’s Hospital where he underwent surgery to stitch him up and received a blood transfusion… he had lost over half his blood volume. They then were able to confirm the diagnosis and get us connected with the BC Children’s Hospital Hemophilia Clinic.

My state of mind got worse from there… I struggled with breastfeeding after that… too much stress. I struggled with thoughts of “maybe I am just not meant to be a mother.” After all, if it weren’t for modern medicine neither I nor my baby would have made it through the birth at all let alone through the circumcision. While mini-man slept well at night, he still nursed every 2 hours all day long, wouldn’t nap and wouldn’t let me put him down without crying. By the time he was 3 months old I started smoking again – I had quit cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant – which made me feel like an even worse mother. Then I couldn’t quit…

I don’t remember much of my son’s life from when he was 3 months old until he was 9 months old. In fact, it took until he was almost 2 years old before I finally started feeling like I could relax and enjoy him. My husband and I grew pretty distant for a long time. He didn’t understand. I never shared it with him.

A horrible secret

No one knew how I felt. They knew I was overly neurotic and high strung, but no one knew the things I thought about. No one knew about the tantrums I had alone at home with him. I loved him so much and wanted him and his life to be perfect. I couldn’t make it perfect. I couldn’t give him the perfect mother. I went to mom & baby groups, I worked out, I still did all the things that made my life look normal on the outside, but inside I was being slowly tortured by my own thoughts.

I didn’t get help. I felt like maybe what I was experiencing was just me having a hard time adjusting. I felt like I’d be judged. I worried if I was put on medication would it make things worse. I feel like I missed out on a lot.

A whole different world

Now #2 is here… mini-boy is now 7 weeks old and mini-man will be 4 years old in a month. It is so different this time around. I finally know what motherhood is supposed to feel like. While I did still have gestational diabetes, the pregnancy was otherwise easy. I had a scheduled c-section though I did get the opportunity to go in to labour on my own first, which oddly felt like a win. Mini-boy does not have Hemophilia… another win.

I have been feeling well with the 3 and 4 hour sleep increments which have now extended to up to 7 on some nights. I’ve been given the okay to workout again and get back to normal life.

The difference is that with mini-boy I have beautiful moments each and every day when I get to snuggle and kiss and talk to my smiling, cooing, beautiful baby. I never felt that with mini-man. I feel like we were both robbed of that experience though it’s more of a sadness than a guilt feeling. I know it’s over and my relationship with my oldest son is amazing. He’s a fantastic kid… so loving. I sometimes wonder how he got that way.

Words of wisdom

I have a few specific pieces of advice I’d like to give:

If you think you don’t feel right, you don’t. See a doctor.
Postpartum Depression is largely a result of hormonal shifts but can be worsened by life circumstances. It’s not your fault.
You must try to get as much sleep as you can.
Let people help you. Having to entertain them in your home is not helping.
You can’t be the perfect mom. There’s no such thing.
Your friends without kids don’t get it. Let it go.
Don’t make any permanent decisions regarding your relationship/marriage within the first 2 years of your baby’s life.
It will get better. You will look back and this time will have gone by so fast.
Lean on your partner. Nurture your relationship. It will grow through parenthood.

And the last piece of advice I want to give is to try and change your expectations.

So often we are expected to continue everything we did in our lives before baby after baby. I think it becomes worse the older we get. At 30 years of age I had experienced freedom – I knew what I liked and what I didn’t like, who I was and who I was not and had some financial freedom. What I found was that I was trying to fit my entire life in while my son was asleep – band rehearsals, workouts, sleep, sex, coffee with friends, TV shows… It just didn’t work and it took a long time for me to realize that and shift my expectations. I had to find a way to incorporate things I enjoyed into my new life as a mom.

I also learned I couldn’t do it without leaning on my husband.

I can honestly say that after having survived the first two years of parenthood my relationship with my husband is so much more solid than I ever thought it could be. He’s my voice of reason when I’m starting to stress and it has been amazing watching him grow into an awesome father and an even better husband.