Tag Archives: Quality Time

A new perspective from Miss Mack

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I’d like to introduce you to someone: It’s not that I feel the need to share the details of my relationship with you just because, but I’d like to set the context for this post if I could. I have been hanging out with Big Mack for a few months now and we are very much enjoying getting to know one another. In fact, it’s safe to say we know each other very well at this point. He lives in another part of our lovely province – the Okanagan Valley. Ahhhh how I love the Okanagan Valley… so beautiful. And very little rain = win. So between us, we have been traveling back and forth and finding time to spend together every week or two. This driving time – roughly 5 hours each way – has given me plenty of opportunity to ponder things in depth, listen to sermons, sing at the top of my lungs with no one laughing, and just think about the greater things in life. It’s been quite theraputic.

So anyway, here are the details: Big Mack is only slightly older than I am, he is a Christian, he is divorced, he has a great job, he has 3 children and he is quite awesome if I might say so. After all, we have a lot in common and, well… I am quite awesome. Okay… perhaps he’s a little more humble than I. Or a lot more. Whatever.

I have now had the opportunity to spend 3 visits with Big Mack’s kids. They are 6 (girl), 7 (boy) and 10 (girl). It’s been really fun spending time with girls. It’s been a long time. I lived with a partner many years ago before I met my late husband and he had two girls that I grew to love. It’s nice having girls around again. This past weekend, I had the opportunity to sit with Big Mack’s oldest girl – I’ll call her Miss Mack – and have a nice conversation about stuff, get to know her, and really listen to what she wanted to say. Well something she said that prompted a revelation in me:

I don’t take enough time to really be 100% present with my own kids.

See, when I take the time to prepare everything at home – arrange for childcare, plan everything that needs to be planned and commit to not doing anything (read: chores) in my home environment for a time, I am free to visit with Big Mack and his family without a thought about the things I “should” or “could” be doing. There are no errands to run and none of those nagging little jobs that have been on my to-do list for months that I really should get around to doing at some point. I make myself present for those with whom I am visiting. I am free to focus on them. I am free to give them my attention so I can really hear what it is they are saying to me. I am free to relax and laugh and enjoy them. I am free to get to know them deep down inside because I am free from the distractions of everyday life and I can take the time to ask questions that may produce a long answer.

Why, then, do I not take the time to elevate the quality of my own family time?

There is no good answer. See, it’s not that there were no chores to do at all – in fact, when I’m visiting with the Macks I’m helping them out and Big Mack certainly can’t ignore all the ongoing chores required in a home with 3 kids – there were plenty of crunchy things on the floor, socks on the coffee table and dishes to wash at all times – just so he can spend time with me. However, I found myself being more relaxed and accepting of daily “stuff” and perfectly willing to just get it done so we could enjoy our time together. At home I find I don’t want to let that stuff just sit there even though my son wants me to spend time with him.

This will change now.

When a child opens up to you about something on their heart, it is a precious gift. And how we react as parents can have a lasting effect on their sense of security, confidence and trust. I want my boys to always know that I love them, that my love for them is unconditional, that I want to know what’s going on with them, that they are more important than the chores on my list. I want to know what they’re thinking way in the depths of their hearts and I want them to trust me to always make them a higher priority than random busy-ness, dirty dishes and laundry.

So I’m living and learning… and I’m just so grateful that I could sit with 10 year old Miss Mack and learn to be a better parent from her.

Sometimes it’s all a matter of perspective.

There’s No Such Thing as Work Life Balance

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Photo: purplemattfish on Flickr

Photo: purplemattfish on Flickr

At least that’s what Jack Welch, Chief Executive for General Electric Co. would have us believe. I read an excerpt from this Wall Street Journal article today and while I’m not interested enough to subscribe for the full article, I did read through all the comments.

I don’t think Mr. Welch is all wrong. In fact, I think he has a very good point:

“There’s no such thing as work-life balance,” Mr. Welch told the Society for Human Resource Management’s annual conference in New Orleans on June 28. “There are work-life choices, and you make them, and they have consequences.”

In the commenting there was a lot of talk of sacrifices… sacrificing career for children and sacrificing family for career. But the thing that struck me most is the underlying tone that defines career success as more important or more valuable than family success i.e. devoting the time necessary to raising a healthy and happy family.

An entry level corporate job begins with 40 hours a week and increases from there. At the top of the ladder the execs are often putting in so much time that they’ve lost the ability to ever NOT think of their work… and honestly I don’t think it’s healthy.

Photo: Corie Howell on Flickr

Photo: Corie Howell on Flickr

We’re told we need to get 8 hours of sleep per night for optimum health; we’re told we need to eat a balanced diet and exercise a minimum of 30 minutes per day (some will say 60 minutes); we need to keep ourselves adequately bathed and groomed which, for me at least takes about 30-45 minutes per day… when you put just those things alone together that adds up to about 10 hours out of 24… then you add a commute of, say, another hour round trip (add another 30 minutes if you have a daycare drop-off and pick-up on the way to and from work) and you’re down to 12 and a half remaining hours in a day.

Now if you’re like me and you work a fairly normal 8 1/2 hour day in the office, you’re down to 4 hours left… 4 hours per day left to sort through the mail, and pick up the drycleaning, and stop by the bank, call to make a dental appointment, prepare dinner, clean the kitchen, maybe read a little before bed… and I haven’t even started talking about a spouse or kids.

When exactly would they get any time?

Photo: 3Liz4 on Flickr

Photo: 3Liz4 on Flickr

When I went back to work after my son was born I was mortified when I realized the schedule he was on had him waking up at about 6:30am and going to sleep for the night about 6:30pm. My work schedule made it so that we left the house at 8:00am and arrived home at 5:30pm… and that’s if I insisted on walking out the door at 5pm no matter what is happening.

I still only got 2 1/2 hours per day to interact with my only child. Someone else got the other 9 while I was at work.

I sometimes wonder what drives the C-Suite. I don’t think I have it. I mean, I’m pretty driven and I’ve never set a goal I didn’t reach without a good reason or a learning experience involved. I’m educated and intelligent and I have a good job; our household income is comfortably above average for where we live. But I have every intention of continuing to contribute my family’s income because where I live it’s not really an option not to. That’s my sacrifice, I guess… my family gets to live in what I consider to be one of the best places in the world but we need two incomes to make it work.

I know I’d be farther along in my career if I was more aggressive with my goals and just sucked it up and did it the way I’m “supposed” to… but I have too many life aspirations for that. I have too many interests and hobbies and other things I enjoy in life that I couldn’t dedicate my entire life to the pursuit of money and back pats from people whose families are falling apart all around them. When I sit down and think about the things I couldn’t live without in this life – the things I feel like I was made to be and do – none of them is my job… and I love my job!

I work hard. I play hard. When I’m in the office I’m working hard; as I’ve said, I love what I do. When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do with my morning coffee is check my email and deal with anything urgent. From the time I arrive in the office to the time I leave at 5pm I work hard and if need be I’ll work hard after my son has gone to bed at night, but between 5pm and 7:30pm is my time with my family. Every day. I mean, I think I owe them that at the very least.

Photo: richiedogg1981

Photo: richiedogg1981

This post alone is enough to get me passed over for an interview with some companies. It would absolutely take me off the short list for a corner office. But that’s my life choice. I value the quality time I do have, no matter how scarce, that I can’t imagine having less time than that… nor would I want to.

Why we define ourselves by how much money we make and how many people work under us is beyond me. Perhaps it’s peoples’ lack of self-worth that drives them towards needing the approval of others. Perhaps it’s because people are just greedy… but maybe, just maybe, it comes from millions of people looking for the love and approval they should have gotten from their parents but didn’t because they were too busy working.

Just saying…

Longing for Simpler Days

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Do you ever find yourself at the end of the day Sunday wondering where your weekend went? Or worse? Going into the weekend feeling overwhelmed at all that has to take place during those two prescious days off?

My husband and I both work full time. And sometimes we can find outselves with a lot of stuff that needs doing on the weekends. I admit we don’t get enough chores done during the week. I always have aspirations to do more but my hobbies and pet projects usually get my attention instead – I opt for a workout instead of tidying my kitchen or blogging instead of vaccuuming.

But what happens, is we end up with the lion’s share of chores needing doing on the weekend. It sometimes feels like we don’t have much time for fun.

Now, part of our challenge is that mini-man still naps, so we have a 2 hour chunk during the middle of each day where we can’t plan on being anywhere. But we’re not very good at using that time wisely either. I don’t know… maybe we’re just lazy. I find the running around shopping and errands of a Saturday morning lead me to want to chill out during that coveted noon naptime rather than, say, scrub my toilet bowl.

To keep the quality in our lives, we try and do one fun thing as a family each weekend, if only for a couple of hours. Sometimes we’ll go swimming, or we’ll go to a park, or an indoor play area when the weather’s bad. There’s storytime at the local library, or even just playing a round of Wii Bowling. I think it’s more important to spend time together than it is that your home is just so.

Having my son in daycare every day gets me down sometimes. He’s there 9 hours each day Monday through Friday, and sadly, we couldn’t live in the community we do – where I grew up and grew to love – if I quit my job to stay home with him… or my husband did. But sometimes I long for a simpler life.

Just yesterday I found myself wanting to pack up and move.

In the meantime, however, I remind myself of how blessed I am to have a good job in this current world, to live in a beautiful community in a great city, to be happily married with a beautiful son… to have a loving and helpful extended family. And while I do find myself longing for simpler days, I still hold out hope that one day I’ll find that beautiful place of balance.