It’s five months tomorrow since Dave died. It’ll also be my birthday.

The last time I shared my thoughts on the process of dealing with this was two months ago and life is beginning to make sense again. The fog has lifted some and I’m starting to feel more comfortable with day to day living as a single mom. I’m really grateful it’s summer because the late afternoons out at parks and beaches and hanging out in Dave’s mom’s back yard by the pool gives me a great excuse to order take-out dinners or eat picnic foods. I’m still not particularly skilled in the kitchen but I’m very much looking forward to getting a new barbecue and eating a steak for the first time in 5 months. Adding to the challenge of the dinner hour is that mini-boy is now fully involved in the food scene and so I have to make sure I have adequate soft cooked, chopped and minced foods for a 7 month old to gum. I’m very much looking forward to when he and mini-man can eat the same meal.

I miss him every day.

I still get regular reminders that he’s gone… a letter in the mail “To the Estate of…”, mini-man blowing a dandilion and wishing for his dad back, a realization that there’s something I don’t know how to do that Dave would have – like switching the hard and soft tops on our Jeep… and I still sometimes get broadsided by something that I didn’t expect. For instance, last weekend I took both kids and Dave’s mom to see The Lion King at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. I LOVED the movie and I had heard such great things about the musical that I just had to go. Well… I probably should have thought a little about the plot before heading out all excited. The part where little Simba sits trying to wake up his dead lion dad was painful and a couple of songs in the second act had me wishing I wasn’t there… I’m glad I ended up in the crying room with mini-boy; I think I may have cried more than he did. The show was amazing, but it sure was excruciating to watch.

I think the thing that breaks my heart the most is thinking about my boys growing up without their dad. In fact, that was the very first thought I had when I found out he’d been killed.

I have some good male friends who have been hanging with mini-man lately and getting some quality guy time in with him… he’s absolutely craving male attention. You know, wrestling, kicking stuff, playing with swords etc. He will take it wherever he can get it… and that is fine for now. Even if and when another man might come into our lives, he’ll never be their father. He’ll never care quite as much. No one could possibly care quite as much as Dave did. But I do trust that God will build a beautiful story from my boys’ lives even without their dad.

I’m still working on organizing our home.

I have an overwhelming need to get it to a certain level of livability with two kids and only one person to pick up after all three of us… especially before I go back to work in January. I’m a little scared of going back to work. I can’t imagine how I can run my household, adequately parent two children and work a full time job… but plenty before me have done it. I’m sure I’ll learn. It’s kind of strange… you would think losing my husband while my youngest was so teeny-tiny would have been the worst thing; but in all honesty, that has been a huge blessing. The fact that I will have had almost a full year before I have to go back to work has helped tremendously with living through this ordeal I’m sure. Knowing I can just focus on myself, my kids and our home has been one of the things I’m most thankful for.

For the most part I’ve gone through all of Dave’s stuff and have two very full boxes of keepsakes… photos, journals, his bible, some clothing – particularly t-shirts that appear in the photos – tie clips, cuff links, the neck chain he wore when we got married, his poker chips and playing cards… I’ve tried to save everything that the boys could one day use to connect their dad to the memories or things they could simply use and enjoy. I have yet to go through his dive gear and figure out what to do with all of it and I haven’t yet touched our storage locker in the basement. I also have a bunch of motorcycle gear I’ll probably just keep – his jacket, my jacket, a couple of helmets, gloves, and a big riding backpack etc. Not that I think I’ll ever get back on a bike at this point… but the truth is I know Dave would still want his boys to ride one day. I’ll tackle that when the time is right.

I’ve had the old barbecue taken away – Dave had been complaining that it was dead and we needed a new one, I’ve put up a bunch of new toy shelves in the boys’ room and I’ve had all the carpet and upholstery cleaned. Now I just want to finish clearing all the paperwork and stuff off my dining table and get the new barbecue picked up and put together. I know I won’t feel totally peaceful even then… it still feels like I need to do stuff. But I think it will help to feel like I’m kind of settled in now for the long haul… or at least the next couple of years. I’m still holding out hope that I will be able to buy a house once I’ve settled with ICBC.

I have a few things that I’m looking forward to.

In September I’m taking the boys and Dave’s mom to a bereavement camp called Camp Kerry and my parents want to take me and the boys to Mexico in November sometime. That will be nice. Plus, a while ago, I won a week in St. Maarten from Porto Cupecoy so I’m hoping to take that in March next year – by then mini-boy will be old enough for me to leave him with Dave’s mom and mini-man and get some quality adult-only time with a girlfriend. I’ll likely be spending Christmas at Harrison Hot Springs as well – we want to do something different so we’re not just kind of having the same celebration we always have minus Dave. That would be too hard.

I have found a couple of online resources that have been a source of comfort to me:

• Young Christian Widow – a blog written by a woman who lost her husband to brain cancer and who is raising her three boys
• Widow’s Voice – a blog written by a variety of widows and widowers

I am also planning to join in the Grief Share program at Valley Church in September.

Over all I do feel a certain amount of peace that I can only attribute to God. I have been able to be very kind to myself, allowing myself every thought, every deed, every self-indulgence, every angry moment or sad moment without self-judgement… again, that can only be from God given how hard I normally am on myself. Dave’s death has, no-doubt, changed me in some profound ways… I’m sure I haven’t even discovered the half of it yet.

It’s funny… when I think about Dave now, all that remains is the good stuff. I mean, I know the bad stuff was there, but it fades into the background of my memory bank leaving only the happy memories to be enjoyed. All the disagreements, hurts and trouble we’d shared over more than 10 years become a distant past and the only important stuff… the stuff I’ll cherish and remember always, are his dreams, strengths… his love and commitment to his family, his joy of life and what he wanted for our family. I hope I can honour his dreams for our family without him.

I’m so very grateful for my family and my friends who have really stepped up to love on me and the boys. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

If you’re new to my blog or have just stumbled upon it through a search engine, you can read all the entries about the death of my husband here.